personal improvements

A few posts back, I mentioned the improvements I'm planning for the house. But I realized I hadn't mentioned my own "improvements" here.

I'm finally down to my post-divorce weight again. The weight I was after two months of not being able to eat or sleep. Folks who didn't know what was going on with me were saying "wow, you look great!" and "how did you do it?" (some of those poor people got "I don't recommend it...my husband left me, and I can't eat or sleep" - not what they expected to hear), but the ones who knew me well said things like "are you okay?" and "I'm worried about you", which was easier to take, in a lot of ways.
Some of this weight I slowly gained back as life returned to normal. Not a problem at the time, because at least I felt like eating and I was sleeping, and life was beginning to feel normal again, so having some weight come back on wasn't horrible. And I didn't regain all of it, so I didn't fuss at the time. Plus, I like my clothes, and the thought of having to replace my entire wardrobe did not thrill me. Still doesn't thrill me.

But, through small changes, and a little work (but not a lot, because I don't like traditional work-outs, or running, or weight-lifting, or any of that stuff), I'm getting back down to a more normal weight for my height. I still have a ways to go, if I'm to ever get myself back to what I should be. I may never reach that ideal, but that's fine. I feel pretty good about where I am for now.

If you can't be bothered...

Still no response from the fella in MI (I get the impression I may not be his type. Also wondering just how long he's been divorced, as he's so eager to make a new start right this minute.), but I did get a new flirt. From a 56 yr old, "frequently attends church" type. Sometimes, I think it's a good thing that I can glance at that part of the profile and just move along from there. I'm sorry to all the guys who didn't bother to check their own profiles to make sure they're accurate, but really, how hard is that? No, if you can't be bothered to make sure you're well-represented by your own self (sort of like making sure your hair isn't sticking up in the back and your socks match, only this is "virtual"), well, I'm not sure I need to step any further into your little world just yet.

no response

Yeah, so I got one more message from the guy in MI, and I replied (twice, actually, because I later realized I didn't tell him my name, so I had to send him another message apologizing for that and telling him who I actually am, and then I rambled on a bit more about myself), and according to my sent box, he's read them. But he hasn't replied yet. Nice.

long distance relationship, anyone?

This guy I mentioned before, the one in Michigan? He seems possibly actually interested. Because he's really looking to relocate anyway. So, maybe we'll be having some conversations. Maybe.
See, he's got the 3 E's (or, at least, he says he does...not that I'm paranoid or anything, but...), and you know how big a deal that is to me. And he's about my age (never a big thing for me, but in the same decade would be nice, just because it's easier to relate), and he's in education. I'm guessing High School, because he teaches social studies. That's about all I know for now.
We'll see. I still don't think you should give your phone number to someone you've never met, but I may have to make an exception here, given the distance. But only if there seems to be something worth pursuing. I'd feel better if he gave me his, because I can set my phone to not show the number on his caller ID. I know I'm not a stalker, but he can't know that. So if he's hesitant about giving out his number, I won't complain.

home improvements

My contractor asked me, as we were discussing putting a front porch on my little house, just how long I expected to live there. I told him, I didn't think I'd be moving, well, ever. Unless...unless I got married again. Because you shouldn't move into one house or the other, you should find a new house together. He asked if that would happen any time soon. Not so much, I said. I'd have to be dating, for that to happen.
As much as I want the front porch, and the other improvements I'm considering, sometimes, only sometimes, I wish I could say I don't expect to be there very long.
It's been 22 years since I bought that house. I've thought about moving. Looked at a couple other places once or twice. This was never my ideal home. But it was what I could afford at the time, and it has it's good points. Location is one of them. I love my ward. I feel blessed to be where I am.
I don't want to move. But sometimes, I wish I had a reason to.

possibilities

got a flirt over the weekend. he's my age, and he does have the 3 E's. But he's in Michigan. willing to relocate, but should one relocate for a possible date? I think not. I sent him a message, so we'll see.

an evening with Michael B

My co-worker, Cookie, brought Michael B, of Singles Ward fame, to our company Christmas party Friday night. He is an absolute hoot! Seriously.
Very friendly, super nice, funny.
I'm not a big fan of his work, but I'm familiar with it. Truth to tell, I don't think I've seen a single one of his movies all the way through. Just parts of a couple of them. He's definitely entertaining.
Apparently, he's a marriage and family counselor for his "steady" job. Interesting.
After the party, we headed over to Cookie's house to see the results of her recent refinishing of all the interior logs of her log home. He came along, of course. We were hanging out, talking, until almost 1am. Talking about, well, just about everything. Movies (Johnny Depp, etc), dating, Oreos (why do we love a burnt chocolate cookie so much?), spelunking, you name it. I was watching him closely, taking mental notes, because I was so impressed with how he made sure to include everyone in the conversation. That's a talent to be admired.

de-junking

I've heard more than once that letting go of physical possessions, the "junk" in our homes, can actually free you mentally. I've been doing some major de-junking of my sewing stuff, and in other rooms in my house, and I have to say, I really can feel the difference. It's weird. But good.

Real question is, how much will this impact my personal/mental self? I mean, I want results from this, more than just the organized and less-crowded space in the house. (Ever notice how you want to dance in freshly cleaned spaces? or is that just me?)

Not that the clean house isn't enough. I'm just hoping for something more transcendent, as a bonus.

can I retire?

Thursday night, I'm at B&N with my knitting group, and the group leader announces that she's retiring from dating. I didn't know you could do that. I told her I'd say the same, but I figure I'd have to actually be dating to say I was retiring from it. She's much younger than me, but is about to enter grad school, so she says it's not worth her time. Yeah, I hear that.

one more thing...

I was rather shallow in my youth. One wonders if that might be the difference? Maybe I can't/don't flirt so much now because I don't want to be disingenuous?

I can honestly say I care so much more now about how others actually feel. Even if lately/sometimes my actions don't back that up.

Even in my youth, I never meant to be hurtful or mean, though. I wasn't one of those girls that put others down just so they could feel good, or befriended someone solely for advantage. I knew some of those girls, and I know that wasn't me. But I did sometimes toy with feelings, flirt too much, get close to a guy when maybe I didn't feel that much for him. I did do that. Though in my defense, at the time, I don't think I knew just how awful that might have been for the guy.

To III (you know who you are), I apologize, with my whole heart. You were/are worth so much more than that.

what happened?

I've been thinking a lot lately about dating, and why it's harder now than it was when I was young. I'm sure there are many factors. One of the main things I've been pondering lately, though, is "what happened to me?"

See, even in grade school, I was totally boy crazy. But now, well, it's not that I can't appreciate a nice butt, a cute face, a devastating smile. I can. Really. I'm pretty sure, anyway.

It's like I've lost the will to flirt. Or to be attractive.

I'm not talking about looking dumpy, or skipping basic hygiene. I do still shower every day and get dressed for work in what I think are nice clothes. Most days I manage make-up, too. (sorry, all ye who never go without - but sometimes I don't bother) I'm not as thin as I was in my youth, but who is? I still have a nicely proportioned figure, I think (please, don't tell me if I'm wrong, unless you are my bestest friend and can manage to make it sound helpful). I sometimes even get that "look" from a guy. No, really, sometimes I do. He's usually too young or too old (I'm talking extremes here - like a college kid, or old-enough-to-be-my-dad).

Did you ever hear that little story about Marilyn Monroe? The one about how one day she was with a friend, walking down the street, dressed normally, not even trying to hide behind dark glasses, but nobody seemed to realize it was her? And then she whispers to her friend "want to see me be me?" Her friend is all "what?" And then Marilyn turns it on. Whatever "it" is, people start to recognize her. Within seconds, she's totally mobbed.

What did she do? No clue. But I think we all have a little something we do to shine a little brighter, to draw attention to ourselves in subtle ways. When we want to.

I guess what I'm saying is, I think I forgot how to do that. Whatever it was I used to do. I'm not sure I know how to flirt, or make myself desirable, or even how to appear approachable. Or make others feel like they are attractive and desirable.

Worse, the question that lingers in the dark corners of my mind, taunting me: did I ever actually have "it"? was I ever "that" for anyone, really?

how can I resist?

THIS just sent me a flirt. yeah. I know. Hold yourself back, ladies, don't all rush to be the first to date this one.

you can't always get what you want...

No reply from dad2six.

But 3, count 'em, THREE messages from kawasaki. (Who, I now notice, has spelling issues...)
And, on top of that, he sends me the "sends you flowers" flirt.

I am bummed.

Isn't that always the way, though? The ones you like aren't always the ones you actually end up getting any attention from.

here's someone I would like to meet:

39 years old
5' 9" (175 cm) tall
Average
Dark Brown Hair
Brown Eyes
Divorced
Occupation: Restaurant/Food Service
Some college
6 Children/ 0 at home
Mission: Switzerland
Regularly Attends Church
Temple Worthy
Greeting from dad2six:
I feel my membership on here is something akin to saying: "I'm LDS. I'm Single. I will date, if I can find one. I guess." Said in my best Red Green voice of course. (Bonus points if you know who Red Green is. And Mega Bonus points if you have ever watched.) I DO know who Red Green is, AND I watch the show!
Speaking of voices. I do plenty. My kids are always asking me to do Donald Duck, Goofy, Mickey Mouse, the Swedish Chef, or some accent or another. I used to do Donald Duck in grade school - I never thought I'd meet anyone else who could do that!
I'm firmly planted in gospel soil. My testimony of the Savior and His Gospel is the foundation of all that I do. YES, finally!

will he be interested in me? (and yes, he's serously cute)
(my comments are in green and blue)

...and bonappetit is back

He never did commit to a date with me in the first or second round of emails. So please tell me why he's trying again? Am I really so hard to communicate with? Have I become his "fallback" for when nobody else seems interested?

(On a "maybe I'm a little sensitive" note: he signs his email "Love, Cliff". Um, excuse me? Seriously, I still haven't met you in person, I don't know you that well. You don't love me.)

And, oh, yikes, I just noticed this: he spelled my name wrong. Folks, it's not that hard. Really should be easy for anyone in the LDS church, or anyone into cooking with herbs. (obviously doesn't love me if he doesn't care to look back to prior emails to see how to spell my name)

Kawasaki doesn't know why he's drawn to me...

but, he says now that he's settled again, (those of us who have been divorced know about that period, looking for a new normal, feeling awkward no matter what) he's starting to attend church again. (Just to clarify, I didn't ever stop going to church during either divorce. I went back to my parents ward for a while, partly because I did feel awkward about showing up in my ward without my husband (the 1st one), wondering what others might think, and partly because I had reliable help for juggling nursing twins through the 3 long hours of church. Most of which time, I think I mainly caught opening and closing prayers of all the meetings in between visits to the nursing mothers lounge. But I was there. More to the point, my testimony did not waiver during that time, it grew quite a bit. This gospel was one of the solid things that kept me sane through both divorces.)
He really does seem like a nice enough guy. My office-mate (a happily married woman) says I should give him a chance.
The thing is, I've been the one "leaned on" for spiritual support when my significant other was uncertain, and I don't like it. I cannot be someones' reason for joining, reactivating, or otherwise getting religion. It tends not to stick if you don't do it for yourself. I don't mind being there to remind him he does have a testimony, and he does love the gospel, in those moments of doubt that sometimes push their way in. But I refuse to be his reason for seeking for the truth. If he hasn't felt the need to seek for it before now (he's 40), something is missing.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, his screen name does indicate a fondness for motorcycles. He's an ex-marine, currently working in real estate. (doesn't sound like a regular income, steady job type of guy...)

kawasaki status not a mistake

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask if his "seldom attends church" status was for real, and explained that it matters to me. his answer:

"its correct at the moment but I have nothing against it! but thanks anyway! good luck!"

one must wonder just why, if that's how he feels, he wanted the attention of someone who does attend regularly?

another engagement!

Last night, my older sister, who had just returned from a little vacation, flashed her newly bejeweled left hand under my nose. I didn't get the full details (she was tired and ready to head for home before she collapsed - you know how traveling can wear you out), but apparently he proposed at Disneyland. How sweet!
Congrats, big sis!

brief update

You may have been wondering if I'm hiding something, or ignoring the singles scene, or what. For a while there, I couldn't access the singles site from work, and since my boys dominate the computer at home, which in any case is not my favorite thing (the computer itself is great, the connection is very reliable, but the monitor is a dinosaur and the seating/desk is less than ideal), that meant that I opted to ignore it rather than go out of my way just to see who "kawasaki" is. But that's fixed now, so no more excuses.
"kawasaki" has indeed been persistently sending flirts and messages anyway, but alas, his profile, while otherwise not objectionable in any way that matters, states that he "seldom attends church". This may be an over site on his part, but then again, it might not.
Do I need to be more specific in my own profile? I truly have no interest in a man who doesn't have a testimony and a driving need to be a part of this church. Is it not sufficient that I mention my own conviction/commitment? Do I have to spell it out in order to stop receiving attention from the less than committed? hmm. If the less-than's can't see what I mean without my spelling it out, maybe they are also a bit dim otherwise as well, and best ignored?

Engaged!

My baby sister (okay, she's 27, so it's not like she's super young, but she is the baby of the family) called me this morning to tell me he FINALLY asked her to marry him last night!

Isn't it romantic?!?

Congrats, sis!

forgot to mention

bonappetit/Mr Persistent sent me the cute little "hug" flirt last week.

Umm, excuse me, but we haven't met, we haven't yet arranged to meet, we've only emailed 2-3 times so far. In other words, I don't know you, sir, so why would you think it was okay to "hug" me?

updates (such as they are)

still no dates...but here is what's been happening:

"bonappetit" (aka Mr Persistent) finally answered my email, a month later. whatever! my reply to that was less than enthusiastic (can you blame me?). He asked for my phone number so that we could arrange a date. Am I the only single gal out there following the rules? "do not give out your personal number. Always call from a pay phone or a phone with Caller ID blocking until there is absolute trust" (quoted from LDSSingles online dating safety guide). So, no, he can't have my number. Sure, I'm a big girl, I could make my own decisions on that front, I don't have to follow all the rules. Thing is, I don't want a bunch of guys I haven't met having my phone number. I've watched other single friends deal with unwanted attention from guys they thought were okay until they actually met them. No thanks. If he really wants to date me, we'll just have to agree to meet somewhere. If he doesn't care for that option, fine. (am I picky or what?)
(Remember, he's old enough to be my dad, if only barely, so I'm not over-excited about going out with him anyway.)

"ERL", the one whose profile said he "frequently" attended church, made a nice reply to my question about why that would be, if he planned a temple marriage. He said he didn't realize it said that, since he rarely looks at his own profile. But he didn't seem to want to continue any conversation beyond that. However, he is closer to my age, and he has the 3E's, so I may pursue that later, after the 4th (remember, I host the big family BBQ - tons to do), when I have a minute to think again.

There have been a few other flirts and messages, but nothing else really interesting. Of course, if anything else develops, I'll post it here, I promise.

why is he looking...again?

David (yes, that David) has been looking at my profile recently. I don't know exactly when, but I'm guessing just in the last couple of days.

If he's "dating someone else", what is he doing looking at my profile?

If whoever she was didn't work out, and he's thinking of asking me out again, why not just send a message?

Instead, it's like he's spying on me.

NOTHING going on!

Well, as far as my "dating" life goes. Seriously, no messages, no flirts, no dates, nothing.

Again, this was my life before making any attempt to get myself out in the dating world. Please tell me why I bother? I really have enough going on without trying to make myself seem appealing to someone who will likely want someone younger, someone less opinionated, someone less set in her ways.

Yes, I did reply to Mr Persistent, and no, he hasn't answered me back. He must have found someone more appealing in the meantime. I answered him the same day, so it's not like I left him wondering for long.

As for the rest of my life, outside of failed dating attempts: I had a GREAT weekend with my friend, just hanging out and enjoying spending time with her. Not once did I wish I was with someone else, or that my life was different. Well, except, I did wish I didn't have to come to work Monday. I think I need a vacation....

persistent

So, remember the guy who sent me the Mama Mia themed message? I never did answer him back, but now he's sending me another message, actually asking me to have dinner with him.
He's a little older than I'd prefer, 58, but he is still younger than my dad. Not bad looking.

Maybe...

We found this user to be a great match for you!

This is my "suggested match" for the week....Tempted, anyone? (shudders)

Hello Ladies, My name is Jon. I am recently divorced after nearly 17 years. She decided cheating was what she would rather do than be with me. I know this sounds like I am bitter, but I am not. I am still a little hurt and working through that as I put my life back together. I have 5 fantastic kids from two marriages. They are 20, 17, 16, 12, 10. They are my world and I love them more than life ...

before and since

My life before making an effort to date: I spend my evenings doing things I enjoy, happy to be me, content with how my life is now, even if it's not what I expected my life would be.

My life since I decided to make said effort: I spend my evenings doing things I enjoy, but with a little less energy than before, and feeling not so content with my life, because I'm trying to date and all I've gotten out of it so far is rejection. With a little roller-coaster ride for my feelings along the way, when it looked like someone was interested and I might get to go out on an actual date.

Same life, but now I get to feel bad about it and evoke pity.

the weekend without the date

First, I'm not upset. I'm more relieved than anything. I knew it was going to take a lot of energy to be charming, or even civil, just because I'm worn out with working long hours, so already the whole idea was stressful to me. Tax season is not the best time to meet me for the first time. (The upside to that is, if he still liked me after meeting me this time of year, he'd really have liked me come June, when my life is more normal.) I'm a little miffed that he cancelled, but only because I think that's rude (and because this means I still haven't been on a date). There are good reasons to cancel a date, but another girl is not an emergency, it's a choice.

An interesting side note: Gardner Mill (where Archibald's restaurant is) was mentioned in one of the talks. (The one about the guy who came here, built the mill with his brother, lost everything, went on a mission, and then built the business back up, only to get called on another mission.) I noticed it, because I'm familiar with the history of the place. I hope if he noticed, he sat there wondering if he should have met me for dinner anyway.

Instead of the date: I worked late, stopped at my parents to help with a quilt for my niece, saw a movie with one of my co-workers, and went home to a good book.

David cancelled

says he wants to see how another of his online relationships works out

back to square one

will I ever get a date?

fortune cookie

Panda for dinner at the office. My fortune cookie read:

from a past misfortune, good luck will come to you

I can read all kinds of things into that.

oh, just forget about the whole thing

I'm channeling Jimmy Stewart this week. Or George Bailey, anyway. You know, the scene in Wonderful Life, where he's sharing the phone with Mary/Donna Reed, talking to Sam in New York? "I don't want any ground floors and I don't want any plastics! I wanna do what I wanna do, and I don't need you or Sam or anyone else..." shortly after which they are passionately kissing as they drop the phone to the floor, Sam still on the line, Mother upstairs looking shocked.

I don't envision my scenario ending quite that well, though.

All week, all I can think is "I know how to live my life as it is, I don't want a date, I don't need a date, I don't want to fall in love with anyone, life is much easier without a relationship anyway..."

I am so stressed out this week at work, this whole thing is probably a bad idea.

spineless?

The guy in South Jordan still hasn't asked me out. He sends me this message last week that begins "Oh nameless one" (I forget they don't already know), and so I answer back starting with "He who has not asked me out yet" and ending with, yes, my name, followed by "which isn't as common as some, which makes me easier to track down, and thus more vulnerable". (Hey, you have to be careful, and just how many other girls do you think have my name? Look it up sometime - we're like an exclusive club or something.)

Two messages later, he STILL hasn't asked me out. He just dances around the subject, says he has the kids all the time, etc. I've threatened to refer to him as "spineless one" until he does.

meet me by my locker...

and I'll tell you all about it! (I feel like high school all over again: "so, what's he like?" and all that)

I know, there isn't much more to tell until next week. Except...he just sent me the little flirt that says "sent you a big hug" (with this cute cartoon of a couple hugging).

If he isn't really this cute/fun/nice in person, I will be so crushed.

what to wear?

Last night, it hits me: I've got no clue what I'll wear on my date. And I started to panic. I'm not sure I know how to dress for a date anymore. My last date was a lunch, on a working day, so I was in a suit. Maybe a little dressier than an ordinary work day, but I didn't go to a lot of trouble. Plus, I'd already met that guy, spent time with him at a couple of dances, so he'd seen me in a few different outfits, casual to dressy (he, on the other hand, never mind the event, was in jeans every time).
But I'm nervous about this one. This is the big "first impression" here. I want that first look to be memorable, in a good way. Or, at least, not disappointing. And this weather isn't helping. If it's cold and blowing and snowy next Friday, wearing a pastel floral skirt (because I have seriously nice legs) won't quite work. But in any case, would a skirt be too much? I mean, I'll be coming from work anyway, and he knows that. This is not something I'll have oodles of time to get ready for, because that's how my schedule is right now. I'm thinking a suit would be excusable, since I am coming directly from work, but will that make me look unapproachable?

I can't even think which outfits I look best in. My mind goes all scrambled thinking about it.

again with the young ones

Does a 34-yr-old really want to date me? Did he think that through? Again, I ask you, what is with all these young guys flirting with me?
And incidentally, how does someone manage to have 6 kids by that age? And why would I be interested in knowing he has "nice lips"? There is a picture, so why emphasize that point in print?

Maybe my pics distract them from my age. I'm just so cute, they can't help themselves.

carrot-cake temptress

Nope, David is not put off by my non-dating record, or by my (as he puts it) candor. (at least, that's what he says. I'm trying to take that on face value)

So, unless it turns out he was merely tempted by the idea of tasting my carrot cake (allow me to digress here: "just how good is my carrot cake? is it 2nd date good? absolutely. Is it invite-me-to-visit good?" and that's where I lost my courage. Funny is one thing, but that's going a bit far for someone I've yet to meet. Even if it IS that good), my theory holds true. You really have to just be honest, and let what happens, happen. I don't want someone who likes some "idea" of me, instead of the actual me.

nice save

David's answer to my restaurant suggestion starts: Amy!
I tell myself he's not trying to make a point (about how many girls he's dating) but that it's just a typo of some kind. All the same, I don't answer that right away.

Monday, I find his apology, dated mega-late Saturday evening. I'm a little busy with work, and shouldn't have even been reading the messages, so I didn't answer right away.

I get another message Monday evening, apologizing again (and talking about his weekend with his son). Then I felt bad for letting him think I might be mad. Which I wasn't (just busy). I let him know I wasn't upset by it. I suppose I could have been, if I had some delusional idea that I was his girlfriend. But, that's just not the case.
Good for him apologizing without waiting for me to say something.

this is me

I finally give David the whole spiel. What my "dating" has consisted of over the past 8 years, my 3E's, all of it. I may have gotten a little defensive, but I tried to soften that with humor. And I told him that I'd had to think about how to answer him, how honest to be about it, how to make it sound less pathetic, etc. Basically, I put it all out there. (and thank you, girls, especially Marcy(love the way you put it), for your comments - you made me feel much better)
My office buddy says I'm out to sabotage myself, telling him all that stuff. A valid argument, but still, I feel he deserves the truth.
I end the thing by saying that I'm off home to bake a carrot cake and un-depress myself with my favorite movie. Adding "aren't I clever to work that in there (meaning the carrot cake), tempting you to meet me anyway, if only in the hope of someday finding out just how good my carrot cake is". Because he said earlier that he likes carrot cake.
(nope, doesn't sound any less lame reading that over again)
Maybe some part of me wants me to stay single? Whatever it is, this is me.

date details

Unless he cancels, I'll be meeting David that Friday, Apr 3, at Archibalds for dinner.
I'm thinking I may want to ask a friend to be there, just in case. (not me being paranoid, it's another online dating safety rule - first dates shouldn't be just the two of you)
I don't know that I want someone sitting right there with us, just nearby, in case I need to get out of there quick.

I sound like a loser

David wants to know how long I've been "out there" and why I'm on LDS Singles.
I've been dreading the question, because my answer makes me look pathetic. I'm trying to think of a way to phrase it that doesn't make me sound like a loser.
You guys know me, you know I'm not that. But it's a fair question. I have been single again almost 8 years (I wouldn't remember how long, except it was right after 9-11) and it's only in the last couple of months that I've really tried to put myself out there.
I know why he's asking. He wanted to be sure I knew he was dating others, so much so that he told me twice. I was feeling a little low when I answered the second email (which was also a reply to me after I told him why I wouldn't give him my phone number just yet), and while I tried to come off sounding confident, I don't think it worked. I don't mind he's dating others - in fact, I really think that's a good thing. I'm not up for a boyfriend just yet, and I don't want to be confined to dating just one person, thank you very much. But I don't have much choice. I won't ask a guy out (like I've told my kids, if he can't even muster up the courage to do that, he will never last in my world), so all I can do is turn down the ones that I'd rather not get to know (and bravely send flirts or messages, hoping they might respond - online equivalent of introducing myself). I have turned down dates recently, which at least means I've been asked, but I can't say as I'm dating anyone else.
All of which makes sense to me, but still looks pathetic. Possibly leading to this line of thinking on his part: If nobody else is asking me out, maybe there's a good reason for that, so maybe he's wrong in thinking he wants to get to know me. (My confident self says: maybe, but after he meets you, he won't think that. To which my lower self says: that's a nice thought, but it doesn't mean much if he cancels)
It's that whole keeping up with the Jones thing, but for dating. I'm desirable to more guys if they think a lot of guys find me desirable.
So, even though it's the truth, admitting to him that I've been online since mid-January and he's the first to actually ask me out (though not the first flirt or first sign of interest) does not appeal to me. Because nobody wants to be that first post-relationship date, even if it is 8 years later.
(point of fact: I have been out with 2 other guys since the divorce. one of them over a year ago, the other over a year before that. so technically he's not the first, but he might as well be)
And if I think I sound like a loser, what's he going to think? And if he's not put off by the truth, does that mean he preys on pathetic girls, or that he's willing to meet me himself and see if maybe all the guys I've met so far are just idiots? Or will he simply keep the date because he feels that's the honorable thing, while wondering if I'm one of those really picky girls (which I sometimes think I am).
Bottom line: I truly believe you have to put it all out there, pretty or not, and let them decide. You can't decide for them, and you have to do your best to make sure they can make an informed decision. You don't want a boyfriend who feels like you tricked him into liking you.

I feel so popular

As of today, I've had 200 people view my profile!

(it seemed appropriate to celebrate this milestone)

he's seriously hilarious

About a month ago, I sent this guy in South Jordan a flirt. nothing back from him until about a week ago, and I let that sit there for a while before I answered him. He'd made this comment that I had a lot a of hobbies, so how did I ever find time to do housework. I get that a lot. The answer is: housework? what's that? hey, how do you like my new skirt? and isn't this amigurumi monkey adorable?
So I finally answer back, and I'm in a mood (tax season stress must be getting to me) so I go on about my best housekeeping tips, yada yada, ending with how I'm really good at ignoring all of it, too, and doing something I enjoy instead. Not exactly a short email. And possibly making him wish he'd never answered my flirt in the first place.
But, no. Last night, he replies with his own email novel, which is seriously hilarious. He tells me about his vacuum repairs gone wrong, and how he just lets the dishes pile up, because anything a single dad does, no matter how little, is heroic.
I might just have to meet this one.

not a pet person

I just noticed, while looking at David's profile again, he's not a pet person, either!
Some of you may think that's a bad thing, but that's not the way I see it. I used to feel bad that I didn't want pets. (someone actually told me that meant I'd be a bad mother) I grew up with cats, a small dog, various bunnies and birds, fish, etc. But none of them were mine (eight of us kids, most of us had a pet). I like other peoples pets just fine. I can appreciate a purring a kitty, a well-behaved dog, a nice game of fetch. I just don't want any myself.
Here's why that's a good thing:
In "The Road Less Traveled" they talk about different ways of loving, including what they define as mature love. When you love someone that way, you want them to grow and learn, become their best self. You don't want to "take care of them" or "baby" them, and you don't nag or control, either. You encourage, you help them to improve. The goal being that the child will eventually become an adult and take care of themselves, or that your partner or friend will reach their full potential. It gave an example of the opposite, someone that adored his little dogs, but never seemed to lavish the same attention on his wife or kids. He seemed only to be annoyed with his family members for not being able to be what he thought they should be. The therapist suggested that he wanted his family to all behave like his dogs - come when he called, do their cute tricks, adore him as their master, etc. (I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the idea.)
That's when I had the "aha" moment. I don't love that way. I do want people (and plants, if you note my track record with indoor vs outdoor) to be independent, take care of themselves, reach their full potential. I'm happy to assist and encourage, but I won't do it all for you, because that's how you grow. I love babies, but I never wanted my boys to stay little. A dog will never feed itself, bathe itself, or walk itself. It's like having a baby forever, except you can train it to use the flower beds and "stay" or "sit". The closest you'll get to independent in a pet, is a cat (which may explain the difference between cat people and dog people).

everybody's a comedian

A 50-something guy, whose profile starts with "hi, future Mrs J" sends me the following message (presumably after viewing my photo album, which includes a picture of me from Halloween) with the subject line "Mama Mia"

"Hi bookette, Take a chance on me! (winking smiley face icon)"

ha ha.

(by the way, thanks to my book club buddy Chelle for my online name. I hope you don't mind that I stole that from you, because I think it's really cute)

could he be any nicer?

David asked for my phone number.
It's weird, because right after I accepted the date, I was thinking about that, and trying to decide if I was okay with giving my number to someone I've never met (look it up - it's one of the no-no's for safe online dating). I'd decided I wasn't comfortable with that just yet (I don't want to have to change my number if he turns out to be a psycho), but at the same time, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it (he does seem like a really nice guy). Next thing I know, there's this message asking me if it's okay if he calls me, and he gives me his number.
He sent that last night, and I've just let it sit there. I've been thinking about it all day. I figured out how to make my cell not show my number on caller ID and tested that out calling a friend. It seems to work. I saved his number in my cell. I didn't call. I didn't reply to his message. I started to worry he'd get offended that I didn't even reply to him, but I didn't know what to say yet. (I know, I know, I'm over analyzing)
I replied to a different message from another guy instead (fill you in later). While I was doing that, I get another message from David. He doesn't ask me why I haven't replied, he doesn't even mention it. He just sends this cute message asking me how I'm doing, says he's thinking about seeing a movie tonight (already saw "Not Into You"), just kind of chatty, and then says "I love hearing from you...you write great emails."
So he's either the nicest guy on the planet, or he's had a lot of practice pretending he is.

thanks for that

I was giving some of my friends a little peak at some of the guys that have looked at my profile, flirted, or sent messages to me, because some of these, you just have to see to believe.
There's one who says he's 40 something, but he looks 60 something, whom I've already said "no thanks" to, but I wanted to show the girls his picture, because his photo looks like a Hollywood headshot from the '50's (black and white photo, looks like he's leaning on a bar, all that's missing is the cigarette and/or drink in hand), and he looks sort of like Sean Penn, but also like my alcoholic grandfather just a few years before he finally drank himself to death. No way is "leatherface" (not his online name, but how I think of him) really in his 40's, because if he is, I'm wondering just how much time he spent at sea, and how long was he an alcoholic? I'm showing his picture to the girls, and one of them clicks to see his profile. I know he'll be able to see that I've been looking, and I'm sure he'll think I'm interested, which I'm really not, so I start to freak out.
Sure enough, minutes later, I get the "sends you flowers" flirt from him.
It's just a laugh a minute.

I said "yes"

I emailed him back, said I'd meet him.
We'll have to get back to details later, as to the place and time, etc. (no question, I'll follow all the safe dating rules we all know so well - public place, drive your own car, let someone else know where you'll be, take your cell phone, etc.)

you know how you think that making a decision is the hard part, that you'll feel better once you've decided what to do? whatever. I'm more nervous now than I was all weekend thinking about it.

but I did finally tell him my name. I know that sounds bad, that I hadn't shared that info yet, after so much conversation back and forth in emails. I kind of forgot that I hadn't told him. and yet, he still asked to meet me.

a date?

David, the really nice guy, the lawyer in WA I've been corresponding with, will be in SLC for conference weekend. He wants to meet me.
I have a perfectly good excuse not to. I always work April Conference weekend, because it's so close to the tax deadline. We all come in to the office and listen to it online while we work. But of course I don't work all day. And there's Sunday as well, though that doesn't feel right to me - a date on a Sunday. I try to keep that day just for family, you know?
I haven't answered him back yet.
Talk me into it. Please. Because this? totally scares me.

a (small) confession

I've been messaging someone. He seems genuinely nice, and he's not bad looking. I don't know that it will go anywhere...he's not local. but I shouldn't just post the bad/funny experiences here, so I thought I'd better 'fess up.
He's 48, a lawyer (family law) and lives in Washington state. He has the 3E's, so nothing to complain about there. How to describe him? He seriously just looks like an ordinary likable guy. not GQ good-looking, but not goofy, either. He's lost some hair, he's gained some weight - but that's normal in this age range. actually, he just looks like a lawyer, but also a nice guy. dark hair, hazel eyes. (did someone tell the singles site I am a sucker for that combo? because it seems like all the guys that they "suggest" and most that flirt or message me, too, are some sort of dark hair, lighter eyes combo. it's weird)
so we've been back and forth with messages, 3, maybe 4 times? I'm sure nothing will come of it. I don't really want to relocate just to be with someone, though of course I would, for the right guy. I wonder just how we would meet for the first time in person, though. I don't want to be one of those gals that flies all over the country to meet that guy they met online, you know? It just seems so desperate, somehow.

all the young dudes

now all the younger guys are sending me flirts. does a 33 yr-old really want to date me? although, with his hair loss, he could be lying. rejection isn't fun, but all the boys and old men flirting is just a tad unsettling. seems the guys my age may not be interested. all the ones I've sent flirts to, they don't respond. am I too old? or just not a skinny blond? or does my level of education intimidate them?

well, isn't that nice?

BG12 is actually single now. wahoo. bring on the band.

why would I care? he'll always be "married guy" to me.

really, I do sympathize. but it's still wrong to go looking when you're married.

I'm going to have to answer him sometime. I can't just not say anything. But it's going to take me some time to find the words to tell him what I think without being overly rude.

a little more info

I just thought I'd add this little tidbit about BG12 (the married guy). Have you seen the movie Groundhog Day? You know the annoying camera man that works with with Bill Murray? Yeah, that's basically what this guy looks like. (I should really look up the actors name, but would anyone know who I was talking about without the movie reference?)
Not that I'm trying to sway your opinion about him.
But I'm not going to be able to look at his profile again without thinking about that scene where he steps up for the bachelor auction and the old lady "buys" him for two bits.

married guy doesn't get it

Got a message from BG12 again. You know, the one that "had to be honest" and told me he's not yet divorced (ie: still married). He tells me that "the planets are finally aligning" and he'll be "a free man before April begins" (gee, that's not exactly next week, is it?). Well, bully for him. And I would be interested because...?
I know it's shallow of me (not), but I don't want to have anything to do with a guy that actively sought out the next girlfriend/wife while still married. No matter how good the excuse. Especially as he purports to be a member in good standing of the LDS church.
He wants to know if my offer to introduce him to other singles is still good. Um, just which of my single friends would you like to meet that thinks it's okay that you were still married when you signed up on a singles site, just 3 months after your wife left? And you're okay with the morals of said friend?
So, tell me, am I being too hard on this one? I feel okay with my own decision not to ever date him, even when he is actually divorced. Question is, am I going too far in not wanting to introduce him to someone else who may not care, as he didn't try to flirt with them while he was married?

post-Valentines update

okay, Valentines weekend. big dance sponsered by my cluster. I built a balloon arch - looked fantastic (wish I'd taken a picture). I think that may have been the highlight of my evening...

logged in to the singles site Monday morning, and, you won't believe it, nothing new. no new flirts, no messages. you mean nobody was sitting at home logged in, hoping for someone to chat with? or searching for "the one"? well, duh. but it still stung.

then, finally, just after 2pm Monday, I got a flirt. from a high-school dropout whose occupation states "I'll tell you later". He's kinda cute, but he lives in Kooskia ID (where? that sounds made up), and though he states he attends church regularly, his temple status is blank. so, let's see, which of the 3 E's did he manage here? oh, wait, none.

see, this is why I never did this before. At first it was kind of fun, seeing who looked at my profile, who flirted with me. but the down side is, after a while, it tapers off. I'm not the new hot babe anymore, I'm old news. or they found my blog and they don't want me making fun of them for the world to see.

skeleton in the closet

back to that first guy I messaged - the one I think I might know, that lived in Laie around the same time I did? I just remembered another guy I knew in Hawaii. Sort of, umm, dated. okay, mostly just made out with. he had a girlfriend already. I was young and selfish, teenage hormones in overload. did I ever say I was perfect? I'm not proud of this. But if it's him, I'm not sure I want him to figure out who I am.
(in my defense here, he was not hard to persuade at the time, so let's not blame it all on me, okay?)

go away already!

king22 keeps flirting with me. I guess ignoring him isn't going to work. he's 48, no picture, works in agriculture, high school diploma, occasionally attends church, no temple status. uh huh, sure, all the girls want some of that. NOT. (okay, at least he's employed)

I don't know who he is, but I wish he'd take the hint and leave me alone. here's his flirt history:
Feb 9, blew kiss (what? I don't even know you!) Feb 10, smiled (dude, already ignored you) Feb 12 sent flaming "you're hot" (desperate for a Valentines date?) At this point, I message him and tell him I'm not interested in "occasionally attends church" types. big mistake, as he seems to see this as positive attention, blows a kiss, smiles again. I finally find the "no thanks" flirt option.

only later do I think of the perfect response to "you're hot". "um, yeah, knew that already. I get that from regular church attendance, oh ye of no picture"

the persistence makes me wonder if he knows me, (I do have pictures up, after all) and he's just trying to be funny.

they're all bad

So BG12, the one who shares too much, who’s wife left him for a woman? He’s still married.

Whatever. His response to my invite to the dance Saturday: “I’ve got to be honest with you” and then he launches into why he’s not divorced yet.
I was going to be rude about it, but I just told him that yes, all divorces must be final before you can attend LDS singles events, and I commiserated with him about that limbo stage when you know you’re divorcing, and you’ve done everything you can, but you have to wait for the other person to get their stuff done. So I was nice. But this just reinforces my opinion of all the single guys my age. And really, until he’s gone through some therapy, he’s not ready to date. He thinks he is, but all it is, is lonely. Not the same at all.

he doesn't know it yet, but he just lost any chance he had to date me. you're either married or you're not, there is no in between. I get it, I know how he feels, I hated limbo, too. I know he thinks there is no way he'll be patching up the marriage (she did join the other team, after all), and I'm sure that's part of his justification for signing up on a singles site when he's NOT SINGLE. sorry, doesn't fly with me. I had a chance to date 2 guys I really really liked right after my 1st hubby left. I mean, I wanted to date these guys. one of them, I already had this huge crush on him (hey, married isn't dead, you still notice, you just don't pursue), and he was so seriously adorable. he asked me to lunch right when I told him I was separated. and even he realized that was probably not right. looked awkward and said, oh, wait, that's probably not kosher. not until you're divorced. as much as I wanted to date this guy, I couldn't do that. Married is married. I knew it was just a matter of time, there was no question of taking back the abandon-er, but I wasn't single. therefore, no dating.
sadly, by the time the divorce was final, I'd lost touch with both of these guys. I still think I was right not to date until I was single. I paid the price, sure, but I didn't loose my self respect.

new pics

my photographer friend, we'll call her Coppertone, took some more pics for me. I thought it might be good to have some where I'm not wearing the same outfit. also, I'd messed with my haircut a little, and I thought it looked better than our first photo shoot, so I begged her to take a few more. dang, I'm cute!

things are starting to pick up

suddenly, I feel popular. I've sent some flirts, and I'm starting to get responses.
and another message. BG12 doesn't have a picture up, but he has the 3E's, he's the right age, and he's here in the valley. poor thing, his wife left him for a woman. I invited him to the dance Saturday (hey, I'm on the committee, I have to at least set up/decorate and clean up after. this doesn't mean I am looking forward to it). still waiting on his response, and a photo.
side note: he needs a lesson in safe dating. he shared a bit too much, and he really should not have signed his whole name to his message. I could be anyone. I could be a total psycho. and now I know his name, the city he lives in, I could totally stalk him. lucky for him I'm not psycho.

sent out a few profile comments to some "suggested matches". here's hoping!

(still no response from Hawaii boy. but I notice he hasn't signed in since January something. at least he's not ignoring me, right?)

no, no yoking

got a message. I have not flirted with him, nor looked at his profile. he just came out of the blue. I did NOT try to attract this one.
icky. ew. yuck.
he's 58, retired, looking for a woman who "truly wishes to be consecrated" (aaugh!). In his message, he says he knows he's a little older than I might be looking for, and apologizes for only being employed part-time. says he's looking for someone who is educated so he can follow the prophets instruction to be "equally yoked".
I am backing away from the computer, waving my hands. no, please, no yoking here. no consecrating. the phrase "unrighteous dominion" comes to mind.
where is the "no thanks" button?!? and can I block him? (shudders)

had to send a message

found this guy that lived in Laie, HI. He's 41, now living in Orem, widowed (so much easier than divorced - no ex to deal with. but sad for him) and very buff. I lived in Laie 80-81, so I had to message him, because maybe I knew him. to do that, I have to be a paying member. really wanted to send a message, so I caved.

ever since, I've been running through a list of guys in my head, all the ones I knew when I lived there. Doug, Sandy, Don. I didn't want to throw a bunch of names at him and look like I was boy-crazy. even though I was.

keep your fingers crossed!

another flirt!

hmm, he meets the 3E's, but I don't think he's quite my type. doesn't speak English very well, for one. and he's younger and shorter than me.

I sent one, to mjl4. no photo, but the rest of his profile looked good. no response. guess I'm not cute enough for him. or he doesn't want to be a step dad. whatever.

I told you this wasn't going to be any fun.

my first flirt

okay, so I didn't ignore it. and I got my first flirt. let's just say I could have been more excited. While he did have 2 out of 3, there was also maybe a little "more of me to love" aspect along with that.

Let me back up here. I have 3 requirements I don't care to compromise on. Endowed, Employed, Educated. Need I say more? Hey, I'm only asking for what I've done myself. Why is that so much to ask?

This first "flirt"? He's a consultant. Read "self-employed" or possibly "free-lance". Sorry, I know from experience that regular bills require a regular income in my world.

sorry, iholli. try again when you have a real job. and maybe trim down a little. (boy, am I shallow, or what?)

dating again

so, it's happened, I'm 40 (okay, been 40 for a few months) and despite being a responsible person, well adjusted, a good Mormon girl, and pretty dang cute, I'm still not dating. again.


Now, before you make any snap judgements, let me just say that I'm a single mom, I work full time, and I have plenty going on in my social life and leisure time without adding dating to the mix. On the other hand, I always wanted more than 2 kids (a lot more), and there are times when going to bed with a good book just doesn't satisfy me. Not all the time, mind you. I mean, I like my life. I like the independence, the autonomy, the closet space. But sometimes...


Just before Christmas I found myself considering signing up on LDSSingles, but then, remembering a friends experiences with that, I thought better of it. (let's just say he met more crazies than he cared for) A few days later, a young friend of mine, recently divorced (mine is not so recent, try 8 years?), emails and says she signed up. Which I considered very brave of her, and also, it seemed like a message from the universe. Which I tried to ignore.


Next thing I know, I'm having a friend dye my hair (hey, I got my grey when I had the twins, I earned every one of those, and they have nothing to do with age! plus, it looked sort of dramatic), and she agrees to do a little photo shoot for me with her new camera.see the "drama" of the grey here? and then the "new me"And I signed up. just the freebie version for now. I predict I'll ignore, forget, and whatever other excuse I can come up with to save myself from the inevitable disappointment. who wants to pay for that?