what happened?

I've been thinking a lot lately about dating, and why it's harder now than it was when I was young. I'm sure there are many factors. One of the main things I've been pondering lately, though, is "what happened to me?"

See, even in grade school, I was totally boy crazy. But now, well, it's not that I can't appreciate a nice butt, a cute face, a devastating smile. I can. Really. I'm pretty sure, anyway.

It's like I've lost the will to flirt. Or to be attractive.

I'm not talking about looking dumpy, or skipping basic hygiene. I do still shower every day and get dressed for work in what I think are nice clothes. Most days I manage make-up, too. (sorry, all ye who never go without - but sometimes I don't bother) I'm not as thin as I was in my youth, but who is? I still have a nicely proportioned figure, I think (please, don't tell me if I'm wrong, unless you are my bestest friend and can manage to make it sound helpful). I sometimes even get that "look" from a guy. No, really, sometimes I do. He's usually too young or too old (I'm talking extremes here - like a college kid, or old-enough-to-be-my-dad).

Did you ever hear that little story about Marilyn Monroe? The one about how one day she was with a friend, walking down the street, dressed normally, not even trying to hide behind dark glasses, but nobody seemed to realize it was her? And then she whispers to her friend "want to see me be me?" Her friend is all "what?" And then Marilyn turns it on. Whatever "it" is, people start to recognize her. Within seconds, she's totally mobbed.

What did she do? No clue. But I think we all have a little something we do to shine a little brighter, to draw attention to ourselves in subtle ways. When we want to.

I guess what I'm saying is, I think I forgot how to do that. Whatever it was I used to do. I'm not sure I know how to flirt, or make myself desirable, or even how to appear approachable. Or make others feel like they are attractive and desirable.

Worse, the question that lingers in the dark corners of my mind, taunting me: did I ever actually have "it"? was I ever "that" for anyone, really?