a moment

to say it's complicated doesn't cover it, not by half.

except, it's not.

because, usually, what people mean by "complicated", when talking about relationships, is that one or the other of them is already "involved" with someone else.

which is certainly not what's going on here.

he's not involved with anyone.
he isn't running away from anything.
and he came looking for me.

it's just that he came looking too soon.

he's not ready.

not in that "I'm just not ready for a relationship" way. no. more of a "my marriage just ended, and even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I'm going to need some time to recover." which is totally, completely, absolutely what he needs to be doing right now.

he does not need to be jumping  into a new (old) relationship.

he does not need to be worrying about hurting yet another person he cares about.

part of me wants to tell him (maybe sort of did tell him already) that he should just go away, work through his feelings, find a new normal, put himself back together. and later, when he's ready, when he can finally open his heart again, then, and only then, he can come and find me again.

and that would be, I am pretty sure, the absolute best thing to tell him right now.

but

I also know how very lonely it is where he is. I have been there. and when I was there, he was there for me. he let me know I was worth loving, that I wasn't crazy, or stupid, or mean. he gave me hope. he allowed me to feel normal, even if only for a few minutes.

all that, because he loved me. because he valued me as a person.

it is so scary to open yourself up to someone and share that with them. especially when you know you're not going to be getting anything in return. not because you're not lovable, but because they just aren't capable of giving you anything.

I know how much that meant to me, at that time in my life.

I would like to return the favor, if I can.

but I don't want to be in the way.

he needs time to heal.