waiting

when my second husband left me, I was devastated
didn't know where to turn, what to do
so I prayed
a lot
the answer I got, in no uncertain terms, was, "Just Wait"
there was peace and contentment in that answer for me

so, I waited.

life went on, as it does,
years passed, and I was (mostly) content with what was

when I began to tire of waiting, (for what, I didn't know - I had hopes, dreams, but didn't know what it was that God had asked me to wait for, just that I was supposed to wait)
I asked again, "what am I to do?"
and the answer came back, "Keep Waiting"

so I waited.

more years passed, and again, I grew tired of waiting,
(I'm only human, after all)
and I asked again, "what am I to do?"
and then, also, "how long will I be waiting?"
and the answer came, "Soon"
so I contented myself with that,

and continued to wait.

another two years have passed since then,
and I wonder just exactly what "soon" means to Him,
how His timeline runs, how I, a mere human,
am supposed to deal with my life on His terms.

I wonder, and I think about my life,
and I don't ask again.

I'm afraid of the answer.
I'm (almost) certain, somehow, that I've missed it
whatever it was

and then

and then, I got a message.
nothing huge
no declarations of undying love.
just a birthday wish
from someone I used to love
someone I never really stopped loving
(because, if you ever loved someone, really loved them, that doesn't ever go away)

and my whole world stopped
just for a moment

but, it was my birthday
and a long time ago, I stopped expecting anything for my birthday, and just started enjoying it for what it was, so everything that came my way was a bonus
"Happy Birthday to me!"
(that's how I was feeling)
so instead of deleting the message,
I answered

which is what led me to here, now

and I still don't know what it is that I'm waiting for

but I do know:
the heart wants what it wants
you never do stop loving someone you ever truly loved

and also:

I will continue to wait