mad again

I am the WORST at giving people space.

There was a time that I got good at it. My second husband was so insistent about that whole "guys don't want you to fix it, they want to go into their man-cave and figure it out on their own" thing, and I managed to make myself believe it was really the best way to deal with him.

And then he left, because we just didn't seem to be able to communicate anymore.

Yeah.

So, I think maybe it's understandable when I have issues with the concept now.

Besides which, isn't a friendship supposed to go both ways? I mean, if that's what we're going to call this, for whatever reason, then aren't I supposed to be able to tell him when I need a little attention, some validation, or maybe a hug?

I am not stupid. I know how things really are. I know exactly what he means when he says that he can't see me right now, because when we're together, logic and reason tend to go out the window, and both of us end up feeling like nothing else matters (you wish I was kidding, but I'm not).

I get it.

I just also really really really want things to already be the way I imagine they could be.
The way I always hoped it would be.

And it makes me mad that he thinks he needs time to figure out what he already knows.

At the same time, everything he says, everything he does, is exactly right.
Or at least, headed in the right direction, which, at this point, is all he can manage.
(insert scene from Jerry Maguire where she's telling her sister that she loves him...for the man he almost is...etc.)

When I stop and think about it, really think, I know everything is fine. I do.

It's just hard to balance that against all the time that came before. All the years when I didn't even dare to hope, when I tried to focus my thoughts elsewhere and consider, really consider, other possibilities.

And now, when this possibility is no longer far-fetched, because he's divorced, and he came looking for me, and, miracle of miracles, we both still feel the same, now I have to WAIT?!?

Well that's just....I don't even....

I am just not cut out for this.