delusional

So, I've been very selfish (like that's new) and mainly thinking of myself, and how I feel. And I have daydreamed instead of actually listening, and heard what I wanted to hear, instead of what he was really trying to say.

He really is not ready for a relationship.
He really is not in love with me. He likes me, yes, but love? No.
He really is not THAT guy, because, I told him what I need, and he isn't that. Not right now. He's not saying he couldn't be, but, he is saying, he's not going to change for me. Which is exactly right. I don't want someone that would be something else just because it's what I said I wanted/needed.

It's frustrating, because I want him to be that guy. Because, yes, I already do love him.

But, do I? Because, I haven't seen or heard from him in over 9 years, and, I don't actually know him anymore. I think I like him. Pretty sure. And looking at him, just looking at him, makes me go weak in the knees. Not to mention this unreal, otherworldly, almost magnetic attraction between us.

When we're together, neither of us can think rationally. We try. We mostly manage to keep our feet on the ground. But, it's not easy.

At the same time, we both see (yes, both) that this isn't going to work right now. May never work. He sees that more clearly than I do. But I'm starting to be in the now. I can see it, too.

If this is going to work, we're both going to need a lot of time to sort through things. To heal, to find out if we can be together. And by time, I mean, a couple of years. Which is really hard for me to think about.

He said, all those years ago, that he didn't want to be 45 before we could start our life together. My response? And I don't want to be in my 80's.

If I keep pushing him, like I have been, it could go like that. He will reach that point where he can't stand it any more, and he'll run away. Maybe for good. And I just don't know if I could stand that.