perspective

I would like to ignore that I was the one leaning.
That he put himself as far away from me as he could without seeming rude.
That he was leaning back, away from me, almost the entire time we talked.
I would like to ignore it, but I can't.
He's not comfortable with me.
He's wary.
And I just kept leaning.

living in the past? no thanks

To be fair, I started it.

I hunted up my old high school journals to discover, at the request of a young friend, what the exact day was when I met him. Because she (my young friend) was born that same month. So it was I that was taking a walk down memory lane and reading old entries from my past. And having a seriously good laugh at my old self. A self that I am no longer. Thank goodness.

And I discovered, much to my own horror, that I was a crappy girlfriend. Apparently, it was so not my fault that college boy was kissing me? Apparently, at some point, we broke up because another boy needed my attention? Apparently, after a month of not being able to see him, because I was grounded, I overreacted when, on the day we could finally see each other again, he announced that he wanted to start seeing other people. And he had a date that night.

Apparently, the way I reacted, in that particular situation, is what started him running. Away from me. Which is, apparently, what he is still doing. Even now.

Apparently, if I'd just given him some space, back then, like he asked, instead of hounding him, calling him, trying to figure out why he didn't love me anymore (may not have been true, but that's how I saw it), if I'd just left him alone, he figures, in a couple of weeks, he would have come back to me.

And for some reason, that's still where he is with me. He's 18, and he's running away. Again.

I'm not okay with that.

I'm not living in the past.

Yes, I daydreamed. I kept wondering what might happen in a few years, instead of focusing on what is happening right now. But the past? Not where I was. Not where I want to be.

And if that's where he is? I don't want to be there.

Besides which, who went looking for whom? Oh, that's right. I was just sitting here, minding my own business, enjoying my life, excited about work for the first time in years, happy to be me, and HE sent me a message.

Whatever.

delusional

So, I've been very selfish (like that's new) and mainly thinking of myself, and how I feel. And I have daydreamed instead of actually listening, and heard what I wanted to hear, instead of what he was really trying to say.

He really is not ready for a relationship.
He really is not in love with me. He likes me, yes, but love? No.
He really is not THAT guy, because, I told him what I need, and he isn't that. Not right now. He's not saying he couldn't be, but, he is saying, he's not going to change for me. Which is exactly right. I don't want someone that would be something else just because it's what I said I wanted/needed.

It's frustrating, because I want him to be that guy. Because, yes, I already do love him.

But, do I? Because, I haven't seen or heard from him in over 9 years, and, I don't actually know him anymore. I think I like him. Pretty sure. And looking at him, just looking at him, makes me go weak in the knees. Not to mention this unreal, otherworldly, almost magnetic attraction between us.

When we're together, neither of us can think rationally. We try. We mostly manage to keep our feet on the ground. But, it's not easy.

At the same time, we both see (yes, both) that this isn't going to work right now. May never work. He sees that more clearly than I do. But I'm starting to be in the now. I can see it, too.

If this is going to work, we're both going to need a lot of time to sort through things. To heal, to find out if we can be together. And by time, I mean, a couple of years. Which is really hard for me to think about.

He said, all those years ago, that he didn't want to be 45 before we could start our life together. My response? And I don't want to be in my 80's.

If I keep pushing him, like I have been, it could go like that. He will reach that point where he can't stand it any more, and he'll run away. Maybe for good. And I just don't know if I could stand that.

the pattern

Back when I got that first message, and then got angry, I was trying to hide, even from me, the real reason for my anger.

But now, having to face it again, it must be admitted.

She would leave, find someone else, tell him to go away, and he would come to me. For a friend, for someone to talk to, or just because he knew I loved him.

And then she would change her mind. Want him back.

And I? I got silence. An occasional polite response.

Which is what I'm getting now.

Friday, we talked, actually talked, on the phone.

Saturday, I text him, and get a rather polite, protracted, response.

Since then? Nothing.

I remember, all too well, what that means. And I really don't want to be the other woman.

Update: It isn't her. It's me. I'm too intense. Too much. Which I already knew.

girl on a mission

I've decided that it's rather pathetic that the last person I kissed (an embarrassing number of years ago) was, coincidentally, the same person I was trying so hard not to kiss over Thanksgiving weekend.

I mean, really? REALLY?

It's just sad. And it's given him (the all-important him) the idea that he's awakened me from the dead, romantically speaking, which isn't exactly true. Not really.

I have dated, a bit. I did the singles activities while I was on the committee; went to everything, danced with whoever asked, flirted (tried to flirt?), and engaged in conversation when called upon.

I was not dead. I just didn't seem to get asked out. Or set up.

So, here's the deal:

I need dates. And you, my friends, are going to help me.

The 3 E's are a must (note: willing to bend on the college education bit, but only if you think he can carry on a worthwhile conversation. I love a good conversation.)

The age, maturity level, or looks of said possible date are unimportant. I just want to have a nice time, possibly some intelligent conversation. I am not looking for a boyfriend. I am not looking for a husband. I would just like to date.

Surely there is someone out there who would suit?

greeting card

When I was still in the "unknown" phase, having not yet seen him, my mind was whirling with questions. As in, all the time. Work was practically impossible. Mundane everyday tasks were impossible. I couldn't even go to the grocery store. I'd find myself wandering aimlessly down aisle after aisle, with no idea whatsoever I'd come in for, or if I'd had anything in particular that I needed.

The night before I saw him, I'd gone to get a pie crust (yes, I do know how to make my own, but suddenly, the thought of having to roll it out just seemed overwhelming to me), and, after a few minutes, having found the required item, I found myself daydreaming on the greeting card aisle. Now, you have to understand, I don't do cards. I hate the sing-song variety. I hate the ones that are trying to be all wise and comforting. I never seem to find a card that says what I really want to say. But I'm standing there, staring at them, as though I'm going to find something worthwhile. But I'm not really looking at them. I'm trying to slow my mind down, make sense of things. Get my feet back under me, or on the ground, or something. And an idea begins to form.

And I realize, that what I wish I could find, there on the greeting card aisle, is a card that simply says:

(outside)

I have so many questions, so many things I want to ask.

But the only thing that really matters, the one question I really want an answer to:

(inside)

when?

I have no idea what kind of artwork I would want with that. Nothing too realistic, I think. Something abstract. Maybe just a solid color on the front, even.

I realize that this one, small question could have so many connotations. So many things I could be asking, so many things I could mean. And I could, at any given time, mean any one of them.

When will you be mine? (sounds a tad possessive...)
When will our life together start?
When did your life with her end?
When can I see you again?
When did you realize that you loved me?

And I still find myself wanting to ask him, every time we text, talk or email (because I still haven't seen him, since that weekend):

When?

tease

Wednesday, after Fab Fibers, during which HE CALLED ME (because he missed me, and just wanted to hear my voice. I'm all a-flutter. ahem.), I had to take Twin2 out to a friends house in PG. I procrastinated leaving B&N until I had just no time, and had to rush to get him out there.

M is having a rough night, though, so, I'm trying to cheer him up a bit. While I wait for my son to get out to the car, I text him something random, just to give him a laugh. And then I'm driving to PG, so, both of the texts he sends in reply, all I can do is read them, because my son is all in a hurry to get there, and won't let me pull over to text back. Poor guy is waiting 20 min or more for me to answer, and who knows what he's thinking.

I stop in the driveway of the friends house, and text back while I wait to make sure my boy has actually been let in the door. I add a little note, apologizing for the delay, and telling him why. As I back out of the drive, I get this:

"Only 2 more hours and you could be here. :)"
(then, I knock over a garbage can, because, apparently, I can't even back out of a driveway after that.)

I'm tellin' ya, it was all I could do to turn my car towards home instead of heading North. And the number of times I had to pull over... It is not helpful to tell me I'd have to put up with some snuggling, for instance.

That was one seriously intense drive home.

When I finally got home, I ask: feel better?
He says, YES. So, for me, it was worth all the torture on my end.
I know he wasn't serious, and I could tell he was having a good time with it, teasing me.

It was a long time before I could get to sleep that night.

I get to put up with torture like this for a good long time, I'm guessing. That'll be fun.

how it started

We met as teenagers. I was 16, he was 17. (He's four months, to the day, older) A friend of mine insisted I had to come to the EFY dance over at BYU. I never attended EFY - couldn't afford it - but I liked to dance, so, I went.
Apparently, one of our other friends had been seriously flirting, all week, with a certain boy. But, as often happens with teenagers, by the end of the week, she'd gone off him. He needed a little extra attention, which is why they asked me to come.
When we arrive, another friend briefs us on the "break-up", advises us to be extra nice, and introduces us to a couple of cute boys. This is M, and his best friend, C.
I'm matched up with C, my friend with M. We dance.
And the whole time, I'm sorta looking over at M, thinking I'd rather be dancing with him. And he's dancing with her, looking over at me, thinking the same thing.
The song ends, and we switch.
New song is Cherish (not the Madonna song, the other one, Kool & the Gang? Can't remember), so it's a slow song.
We dance. We look into each others eyes. And when the song ends, we don't notice. It's all quiet, the floor clears, and we are still standing there, staring at each other.
Our friends have to pull us off the dance floor.

We go outside, all of us, and talk a bit. He's from Lehi, so, not exactly just down the street.
He looks, of all things, like Peter Brady (If you're young, you may have to Google that. Go ahead. I'll wait.).
Dark, curly hair (a little too much of it, but still...) intense blue eyes (which is where I get that weakness - so now you know) and this adorable crooked smile. He's gorgeous. And he's tall. (Being 5'7" from 7th grade on hasn't made it easy for me, boyfriend-wise.)
I'm thinking he'd look better if he cut his hair short, but I don't say anything.
We exchange phone numbers, and other important information, and lament the distance between our houses.
At the end of the evening (I seem to recall our respective friends having to drag us away, but I could be making that up), we both go home and do something that was, at the time, the thing LDS teenagers did after they'd met someone: We prayed about it. Asking if he/she was that person, the one we were meant to be with forever. We didn't discuss it, I didn't know he was doing the same thing I was, it just happened.

When he comes to see me, he's cut his hair. Exactly the way I would have suggested, had I said anything. (It's like a sign!) He's even more adorable. (Think: Tears for Fears - the cute one.)
He tells me that he prayed about me.
We share answers.
They are the same: YES, but not right now. (Totally not making this up. Those exact words, and we both got the same answer.)
We aren't sure what that means, except, we're teenagers, so, duh, not now. We're a little young for that.

Even then, we knew there was more to it than that.

mad again

I am the WORST at giving people space.

There was a time that I got good at it. My second husband was so insistent about that whole "guys don't want you to fix it, they want to go into their man-cave and figure it out on their own" thing, and I managed to make myself believe it was really the best way to deal with him.

And then he left, because we just didn't seem to be able to communicate anymore.

Yeah.

So, I think maybe it's understandable when I have issues with the concept now.

Besides which, isn't a friendship supposed to go both ways? I mean, if that's what we're going to call this, for whatever reason, then aren't I supposed to be able to tell him when I need a little attention, some validation, or maybe a hug?

I am not stupid. I know how things really are. I know exactly what he means when he says that he can't see me right now, because when we're together, logic and reason tend to go out the window, and both of us end up feeling like nothing else matters (you wish I was kidding, but I'm not).

I get it.

I just also really really really want things to already be the way I imagine they could be.
The way I always hoped it would be.

And it makes me mad that he thinks he needs time to figure out what he already knows.

At the same time, everything he says, everything he does, is exactly right.
Or at least, headed in the right direction, which, at this point, is all he can manage.
(insert scene from Jerry Maguire where she's telling her sister that she loves him...for the man he almost is...etc.)

When I stop and think about it, really think, I know everything is fine. I do.

It's just hard to balance that against all the time that came before. All the years when I didn't even dare to hope, when I tried to focus my thoughts elsewhere and consider, really consider, other possibilities.

And now, when this possibility is no longer far-fetched, because he's divorced, and he came looking for me, and, miracle of miracles, we both still feel the same, now I have to WAIT?!?

Well that's just....I don't even....

I am just not cut out for this.

holding pattern

I thought, maybe, we might have another date by now.

But, apparently not.

The blind date has been declared too immature. Apparently, he flirts with co-eds (he's a prof, so really, what else is there to flirt with?), and my friends now think he needs to grow up before we can go out again. I argued that it's normal, he was much younger when he was last single, and it takes a while to remember that you've gotten older. Didn't fly. Whatever.

My old flame, well, even though I felt it was too soon, I asked him to be my date for my office Christmas party. He accepted, but then sorta freaked out. So no, I don't get to see him, either.

I thought about asking someone else, but I've gone off the idea. Kinda hoping he'll change his mind. Or something.

Meantime, I miss him something fierce, and he's just trying to get through each day as it comes. (I remember that time in my life, and I ache for him, for what he's going through.)
He's got all these things he has to deal with, all this healing to do. And I'm not very good at waiting, patiently, for things to happen in their own time.

I need distractions.

today

I would like to say: Go Away.
You should not have looked me up before you were ready,
before your heart was ready to love again.

I would like to say: you're right, it was selfish of you

and also: you know that fairy tale you wanted?
I'm so sorry, but we're all out at the moment.
All we've got is reality.

But I'm trying to be kind,
I'm trying to be patient,
so I'll just keep my mouth shut
until the mood passes.

roller coaster

this morning, I think, I don't want to ruin my mood.
I'm too bubbly.
I won't open any emails from him, just in case.

but that's...wrong.
what if he needs something? or just wants to know I care?
and I just ignore him?

I look myself in the mirror, and I realize:
I signed on for this.
ups, downs, and everything in between.

waiting

when my second husband left me, I was devastated
didn't know where to turn, what to do
so I prayed
a lot
the answer I got, in no uncertain terms, was, "Just Wait"
there was peace and contentment in that answer for me

so, I waited.

life went on, as it does,
years passed, and I was (mostly) content with what was

when I began to tire of waiting, (for what, I didn't know - I had hopes, dreams, but didn't know what it was that God had asked me to wait for, just that I was supposed to wait)
I asked again, "what am I to do?"
and the answer came back, "Keep Waiting"

so I waited.

more years passed, and again, I grew tired of waiting,
(I'm only human, after all)
and I asked again, "what am I to do?"
and then, also, "how long will I be waiting?"
and the answer came, "Soon"
so I contented myself with that,

and continued to wait.

another two years have passed since then,
and I wonder just exactly what "soon" means to Him,
how His timeline runs, how I, a mere human,
am supposed to deal with my life on His terms.

I wonder, and I think about my life,
and I don't ask again.

I'm afraid of the answer.
I'm (almost) certain, somehow, that I've missed it
whatever it was

and then

and then, I got a message.
nothing huge
no declarations of undying love.
just a birthday wish
from someone I used to love
someone I never really stopped loving
(because, if you ever loved someone, really loved them, that doesn't ever go away)

and my whole world stopped
just for a moment

but, it was my birthday
and a long time ago, I stopped expecting anything for my birthday, and just started enjoying it for what it was, so everything that came my way was a bonus
"Happy Birthday to me!"
(that's how I was feeling)
so instead of deleting the message,
I answered

which is what led me to here, now

and I still don't know what it is that I'm waiting for

but I do know:
the heart wants what it wants
you never do stop loving someone you ever truly loved

and also:

I will continue to wait

accidentally

went blues dancing last night
danced with strange men I did not know and
came home smelling of colognes I did not recognize

a moment

to say it's complicated doesn't cover it, not by half.

except, it's not.

because, usually, what people mean by "complicated", when talking about relationships, is that one or the other of them is already "involved" with someone else.

which is certainly not what's going on here.

he's not involved with anyone.
he isn't running away from anything.
and he came looking for me.

it's just that he came looking too soon.

he's not ready.

not in that "I'm just not ready for a relationship" way. no. more of a "my marriage just ended, and even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I'm going to need some time to recover." which is totally, completely, absolutely what he needs to be doing right now.

he does not need to be jumping  into a new (old) relationship.

he does not need to be worrying about hurting yet another person he cares about.

part of me wants to tell him (maybe sort of did tell him already) that he should just go away, work through his feelings, find a new normal, put himself back together. and later, when he's ready, when he can finally open his heart again, then, and only then, he can come and find me again.

and that would be, I am pretty sure, the absolute best thing to tell him right now.

but

I also know how very lonely it is where he is. I have been there. and when I was there, he was there for me. he let me know I was worth loving, that I wasn't crazy, or stupid, or mean. he gave me hope. he allowed me to feel normal, even if only for a few minutes.

all that, because he loved me. because he valued me as a person.

it is so scary to open yourself up to someone and share that with them. especially when you know you're not going to be getting anything in return. not because you're not lovable, but because they just aren't capable of giving you anything.

I know how much that meant to me, at that time in my life.

I would like to return the favor, if I can.

but I don't want to be in the way.

he needs time to heal.