things I would say

I need time. Time to allow the things I want in a man to become abstract. Time to allow myself to look for those characteristics in someone new. Someone not you. Someone I haven't met yet. Or maybe I have, but I didn't see it, because I wanted it to be you so badly. I can't do this anymore. You've broken my heart, again, without even meaning to. It's not your fault. You didn't know I was waiting for you. How could you? For a while, I believed you could. I believed we had this connection, something other-worldly, and I believed you knew I was here, loving you, dreaming of you, waiting for the day you would come back.

But when you did come back, you didn't know. You didn't love me. You didn't even remember loving me, as an adult. You could only remember the years before, the awful, heartbreaking, all-too- short teenage romance, and who I was then. You didn't remember the woman you fell for, again, at 34. You could only see the girl I'd been at 17, so you, you became the boy you'd been, instead of the man. That girl is gone. I left her behind so long ago, so gradually, I don't even know when she disappeared. For me, that's a good thing. That girl wasn't my best self. She was alright, but, she lacked compassion, patience, the capacity to accept others as they are without judgement. The woman I was at 34 had all that. I struggle to maintain that now, at 43, but I know, I'm more the woman I was than I am the girl.

It's not your fault. I don't blame you. It can't be helped that I still look the same, sound the same. You look the same to me, too. But, I'm looking at the man you were, nine years ago, when you loved me, the woman I'd become, and not the girl I was. Nine years ago, when you were all those things I need, and more, except, you weren't available. The timing was off. Perhaps it's always been off.

I loved you then. I love you still. But you're not that man.

I want to be there for you, help you to heal after your divorce, as you did for me. But it's not working. I said too much, dreamed too long, kept seeing the man you were, nine years ago, instead of the man you are now, and I broke it. I ruined whatever connection we had, because I couldn't see who you are now, until it was too late. Too late, because you'd figured it out. You saw that I'd been waiting, that I still loved you, and you ran away.

I don't blame you. You didn't intend to break my heart again. You didn't know, until you saw me again, that I'd never gotten over you. That I hadn't even tried. I was just someone you used to know, someone you hoped still cared for you enough to be your friend and help you through a tough time. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to be that for you. I know how much you're hurting, and I know how much you need me to be there for you, to help you feel normal, lovable, worthwhile. You are all those things, though you can't see it right now. And I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for not being what you need.