de-junking

I've heard more than once that letting go of physical possessions, the "junk" in our homes, can actually free you mentally. I've been doing some major de-junking of my sewing stuff, and in other rooms in my house, and I have to say, I really can feel the difference. It's weird. But good.

Real question is, how much will this impact my personal/mental self? I mean, I want results from this, more than just the organized and less-crowded space in the house. (Ever notice how you want to dance in freshly cleaned spaces? or is that just me?)

Not that the clean house isn't enough. I'm just hoping for something more transcendent, as a bonus.

can I retire?

Thursday night, I'm at B&N with my knitting group, and the group leader announces that she's retiring from dating. I didn't know you could do that. I told her I'd say the same, but I figure I'd have to actually be dating to say I was retiring from it. She's much younger than me, but is about to enter grad school, so she says it's not worth her time. Yeah, I hear that.

one more thing...

I was rather shallow in my youth. One wonders if that might be the difference? Maybe I can't/don't flirt so much now because I don't want to be disingenuous?

I can honestly say I care so much more now about how others actually feel. Even if lately/sometimes my actions don't back that up.

Even in my youth, I never meant to be hurtful or mean, though. I wasn't one of those girls that put others down just so they could feel good, or befriended someone solely for advantage. I knew some of those girls, and I know that wasn't me. But I did sometimes toy with feelings, flirt too much, get close to a guy when maybe I didn't feel that much for him. I did do that. Though in my defense, at the time, I don't think I knew just how awful that might have been for the guy.

To III (you know who you are), I apologize, with my whole heart. You were/are worth so much more than that.

what happened?

I've been thinking a lot lately about dating, and why it's harder now than it was when I was young. I'm sure there are many factors. One of the main things I've been pondering lately, though, is "what happened to me?"

See, even in grade school, I was totally boy crazy. But now, well, it's not that I can't appreciate a nice butt, a cute face, a devastating smile. I can. Really. I'm pretty sure, anyway.

It's like I've lost the will to flirt. Or to be attractive.

I'm not talking about looking dumpy, or skipping basic hygiene. I do still shower every day and get dressed for work in what I think are nice clothes. Most days I manage make-up, too. (sorry, all ye who never go without - but sometimes I don't bother) I'm not as thin as I was in my youth, but who is? I still have a nicely proportioned figure, I think (please, don't tell me if I'm wrong, unless you are my bestest friend and can manage to make it sound helpful). I sometimes even get that "look" from a guy. No, really, sometimes I do. He's usually too young or too old (I'm talking extremes here - like a college kid, or old-enough-to-be-my-dad).

Did you ever hear that little story about Marilyn Monroe? The one about how one day she was with a friend, walking down the street, dressed normally, not even trying to hide behind dark glasses, but nobody seemed to realize it was her? And then she whispers to her friend "want to see me be me?" Her friend is all "what?" And then Marilyn turns it on. Whatever "it" is, people start to recognize her. Within seconds, she's totally mobbed.

What did she do? No clue. But I think we all have a little something we do to shine a little brighter, to draw attention to ourselves in subtle ways. When we want to.

I guess what I'm saying is, I think I forgot how to do that. Whatever it was I used to do. I'm not sure I know how to flirt, or make myself desirable, or even how to appear approachable. Or make others feel like they are attractive and desirable.

Worse, the question that lingers in the dark corners of my mind, taunting me: did I ever actually have "it"? was I ever "that" for anyone, really?