awkward

While sitting at Fab Fibers last week, one of the gals mentions that one of her co-workers is about my age, and single, and they were talking, and...

Well, you know how that conversation goes.

I was suddenly very interested in my knitting.

As it turns out, this gal, who is in her mid-20's, decided that this fellow, who is 40, is too immature for me. So she decided not to mention that she had a friend, etc.

That happens to me a lot.

"Sure, I know somebody, about your age, but he's: not good enough/too immature/not your type."

At some point, could I please get to decide for myself?

power of prayer

Recently, I've been praying that I might meet someone. Preferably, the "right" someone. But, whatever the Lord thinks I'm up for would be fine.

This is new for me. Acquiring a habit for regular morning prayer took me years, yes, and it's finally something I do every day. But that's not what I mean. Asking my Heavenly Father to help me find someone is just so far from...anything I ever did before. I had my reasons. And I also figured it would happen if it was supposed to, anyway, even if I wasn't asking for it.

I haven't met anyone yet.

But...

something else has changed. I noticed after the first week (of asking) that I felt like wearing dresses or skirts every day. And putting on make-up. Every day. Most days, I even try to do something with my hair so it's not just hanging there, eliciting the comment "gosh, your hair is so long..." (which I don't exactly find a compliment in, it being a clear statement of fact, and not exactly something I have any control over. It's not like I changed my diet or found some magical way to get it to grow. It just grows. And I have trouble finding someone that can cut my hair well, following the curls, so, it gets long).

I don't know if anything else will come of this. I got to where I felt a little silly asking every day if He could help me meet that certain someone, and I focused myself a little more on the family. But I still think about it, and still ask at least once a week.

Thing is, I guess this means I'm done with that other. That one that I sort of held onto, thinking that in some way I can't figure, it would all work out, eventually.
You never stop loving, if you truly loved. That won't change, and I'm fine with it.

I guess I'm just...ready for something else.

not exactly an update

If you're looking for something more on my attempts at a dating life, I've sort of abandoned this blog. But you can go here for a related little something.

nervous message

I got a message (which I couldn't read, because I'm no longer a paying member) from a guy whose profile reads, in part,
"I think that everytime we ride in an elevator we should kiss until the doors open and we should look like nothing happened...I think it would be incredible to meet for lunch and pretend we didn’t know each other...I want to play games with you...I want someone to want to touch my arm as I drive, that when I look over they smile all the way down to their shoulders. I want to lay in bed and have you reach to me and play with my hair while we talk." (the misspelled, and other such mistakes, are his, left as they were)
Anyone besides me a little nervous about this?

it's official

I un-checked the auto-renew button on my LDS Singles profile. My profile will stay up, I can still get/send flirts, and see who looked at my profile, etc. I won't be able to send or read messages, but I won't have to pay, either. If anything really promising seems to pop up, I can always start paying again. Whatever. I should have been more involved, but I lacked both the time and the enthusiasm.
I know the right guy is out there, somewhere. I'm not in any hurry.

one year later

It's been about a year since I joined LDS Singles. And I have yet to have an actual date come out of this. One "almost" that cancelled at the last minute, but nothing else that even came close.

I suppose, if I'd wanted to lower my standards, there are a few I could have dated. A few "frequently attends church" or maybe some of the scary ones. But I reserve the right to be just a little particular, about a few things that are important to me.

So, this is it for me. I'm done paying for the singles site. I won't remove my profile, but I'm not going to pay the fees, either.

I'll grant you, I could have worked harder at this, spent more time looking and flirting and sending messages, but I didn't. I know my attitude has something to do with my results. I'm not saying there's nobody out there worth dating, or that it's not my fault I didn't get a date yet. I accept that I'm not as enthusiastic as I could have been. I accept that I got out of it what I put into it. I also recognize that I was the one standing in my own way.

I'm not trying to be a downer here. It's just that, with no results to speak of, and $14.99/mo leaving my bank account for this privilege, well, I don't like paying for something that's not useful. I pay about the same for my Netflix, and I could cancel that instead, go to Red Box, or just not watch as many movies (and TV series) at home on DVD. I stay with Netflix because I can get BBC TV series, and other odd things you can't get at the local Blockbuster or Red Box. I'm getting something out of that, is the point. Something I feel is worth the money.

On the upside, I do feel like I'm more willing to accept someone new in my life. Before this experiment, I didn't really want to date, and I had my reasons. I was waiting for him, no matter how illogical, and he wasn't going to be on any dating sites. I knew I was putting my future on hold for something not likely to happen. I'm okay with that. I don't feel like I've wasted valuable time, or missed out on something that otherwise "could have been". But I do feel more open to other possibilities now, which I really didn't before. I couldn't get myself past what I wanted, in an ideal world, to allow myself to even consider anyone new. I'm open to the possibility now, which, in a way, might have been worth the trouble/money. Or not.

I'm not giving up. I'm just leaving the LDS Singles site, with all the "never/seldom/frequently attends church", "some college", self-employed single men that seem to congregate there. Not to mention the still-married fellas who seem to think it's okay, because they're just waiting on the paperwork. Or whatever their excuse is.

What I'm looking for just isn't there.