mad again

I am the WORST at giving people space.

There was a time that I got good at it. My second husband was so insistent about that whole "guys don't want you to fix it, they want to go into their man-cave and figure it out on their own" thing, and I managed to make myself believe it was really the best way to deal with him.

And then he left, because we just didn't seem to be able to communicate anymore.

Yeah.

So, I think maybe it's understandable when I have issues with the concept now.

Besides which, isn't a friendship supposed to go both ways? I mean, if that's what we're going to call this, for whatever reason, then aren't I supposed to be able to tell him when I need a little attention, some validation, or maybe a hug?

I am not stupid. I know how things really are. I know exactly what he means when he says that he can't see me right now, because when we're together, logic and reason tend to go out the window, and both of us end up feeling like nothing else matters (you wish I was kidding, but I'm not).

I get it.

I just also really really really want things to already be the way I imagine they could be.
The way I always hoped it would be.

And it makes me mad that he thinks he needs time to figure out what he already knows.

At the same time, everything he says, everything he does, is exactly right.
Or at least, headed in the right direction, which, at this point, is all he can manage.
(insert scene from Jerry Maguire where she's telling her sister that she loves him...for the man he almost is...etc.)

When I stop and think about it, really think, I know everything is fine. I do.

It's just hard to balance that against all the time that came before. All the years when I didn't even dare to hope, when I tried to focus my thoughts elsewhere and consider, really consider, other possibilities.

And now, when this possibility is no longer far-fetched, because he's divorced, and he came looking for me, and, miracle of miracles, we both still feel the same, now I have to WAIT?!?

Well that's just....I don't even....

I am just not cut out for this.

holding pattern

I thought, maybe, we might have another date by now.

But, apparently not.

The blind date has been declared too immature. Apparently, he flirts with co-eds (he's a prof, so really, what else is there to flirt with?), and my friends now think he needs to grow up before we can go out again. I argued that it's normal, he was much younger when he was last single, and it takes a while to remember that you've gotten older. Didn't fly. Whatever.

My old flame, well, even though I felt it was too soon, I asked him to be my date for my office Christmas party. He accepted, but then sorta freaked out. So no, I don't get to see him, either.

I thought about asking someone else, but I've gone off the idea. Kinda hoping he'll change his mind. Or something.

Meantime, I miss him something fierce, and he's just trying to get through each day as it comes. (I remember that time in my life, and I ache for him, for what he's going through.)
He's got all these things he has to deal with, all this healing to do. And I'm not very good at waiting, patiently, for things to happen in their own time.

I need distractions.

today

I would like to say: Go Away.
You should not have looked me up before you were ready,
before your heart was ready to love again.

I would like to say: you're right, it was selfish of you

and also: you know that fairy tale you wanted?
I'm so sorry, but we're all out at the moment.
All we've got is reality.

But I'm trying to be kind,
I'm trying to be patient,
so I'll just keep my mouth shut
until the mood passes.

roller coaster

this morning, I think, I don't want to ruin my mood.
I'm too bubbly.
I won't open any emails from him, just in case.

but that's...wrong.
what if he needs something? or just wants to know I care?
and I just ignore him?

I look myself in the mirror, and I realize:
I signed on for this.
ups, downs, and everything in between.

waiting

when my second husband left me, I was devastated
didn't know where to turn, what to do
so I prayed
a lot
the answer I got, in no uncertain terms, was, "Just Wait"
there was peace and contentment in that answer for me

so, I waited.

life went on, as it does,
years passed, and I was (mostly) content with what was

when I began to tire of waiting, (for what, I didn't know - I had hopes, dreams, but didn't know what it was that God had asked me to wait for, just that I was supposed to wait)
I asked again, "what am I to do?"
and the answer came back, "Keep Waiting"

so I waited.

more years passed, and again, I grew tired of waiting,
(I'm only human, after all)
and I asked again, "what am I to do?"
and then, also, "how long will I be waiting?"
and the answer came, "Soon"
so I contented myself with that,

and continued to wait.

another two years have passed since then,
and I wonder just exactly what "soon" means to Him,
how His timeline runs, how I, a mere human,
am supposed to deal with my life on His terms.

I wonder, and I think about my life,
and I don't ask again.

I'm afraid of the answer.
I'm (almost) certain, somehow, that I've missed it
whatever it was

and then

and then, I got a message.
nothing huge
no declarations of undying love.
just a birthday wish
from someone I used to love
someone I never really stopped loving
(because, if you ever loved someone, really loved them, that doesn't ever go away)

and my whole world stopped
just for a moment

but, it was my birthday
and a long time ago, I stopped expecting anything for my birthday, and just started enjoying it for what it was, so everything that came my way was a bonus
"Happy Birthday to me!"
(that's how I was feeling)
so instead of deleting the message,
I answered

which is what led me to here, now

and I still don't know what it is that I'm waiting for

but I do know:
the heart wants what it wants
you never do stop loving someone you ever truly loved

and also:

I will continue to wait

accidentally

went blues dancing last night
danced with strange men I did not know and
came home smelling of colognes I did not recognize

a moment

to say it's complicated doesn't cover it, not by half.

except, it's not.

because, usually, what people mean by "complicated", when talking about relationships, is that one or the other of them is already "involved" with someone else.

which is certainly not what's going on here.

he's not involved with anyone.
he isn't running away from anything.
and he came looking for me.

it's just that he came looking too soon.

he's not ready.

not in that "I'm just not ready for a relationship" way. no. more of a "my marriage just ended, and even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I'm going to need some time to recover." which is totally, completely, absolutely what he needs to be doing right now.

he does not need to be jumping  into a new (old) relationship.

he does not need to be worrying about hurting yet another person he cares about.

part of me wants to tell him (maybe sort of did tell him already) that he should just go away, work through his feelings, find a new normal, put himself back together. and later, when he's ready, when he can finally open his heart again, then, and only then, he can come and find me again.

and that would be, I am pretty sure, the absolute best thing to tell him right now.

but

I also know how very lonely it is where he is. I have been there. and when I was there, he was there for me. he let me know I was worth loving, that I wasn't crazy, or stupid, or mean. he gave me hope. he allowed me to feel normal, even if only for a few minutes.

all that, because he loved me. because he valued me as a person.

it is so scary to open yourself up to someone and share that with them. especially when you know you're not going to be getting anything in return. not because you're not lovable, but because they just aren't capable of giving you anything.

I know how much that meant to me, at that time in my life.

I would like to return the favor, if I can.

but I don't want to be in the way.

he needs time to heal.