total bust

The blind date? Yeah, whatever. As soon as he finished eating, he was all, "that was fun...we should do it again sometime..." Me? Still eating at that point. Not cool. And, what was with the whole "the gelato here is really good. You should try it sometime. Not now. But sometime."? What? Why not now? I don't get it.

the pattern

Back when I got that first message, and then got angry, I was trying to hide, even from me, the real reason for my anger.

But now, having to face it again, it must be admitted.

She would leave, find someone else, tell him to go away, and he would come to me. For a friend, for someone to talk to, or just because he knew I loved him.

And then she would change her mind. Want him back.

And I? I got silence. An occasional polite response.

Which is what I'm getting now.

Friday, we talked, actually talked, on the phone.

Saturday, I text him, and get a rather polite, protracted, response.

Since then? Nothing.

I remember, all too well, what that means. And I really don't want to be the other woman.

Update: It isn't her. It's me. I'm too intense. Too much. Which I already knew.

nervous message

I got a message (which I couldn't read, because I'm no longer a paying member) from a guy whose profile reads, in part,
"I think that everytime we ride in an elevator we should kiss until the doors open and we should look like nothing happened...I think it would be incredible to meet for lunch and pretend we didn’t know each other...I want to play games with you...I want someone to want to touch my arm as I drive, that when I look over they smile all the way down to their shoulders. I want to lay in bed and have you reach to me and play with my hair while we talk." (the misspelled, and other such mistakes, are his, left as they were)
Anyone besides me a little nervous about this?

you can't always get what you want...

No reply from dad2six.

But 3, count 'em, THREE messages from kawasaki. (Who, I now notice, has spelling issues...)
And, on top of that, he sends me the "sends you flowers" flirt.

I am bummed.

Isn't that always the way, though? The ones you like aren't always the ones you actually end up getting any attention from.

...and bonappetit is back

He never did commit to a date with me in the first or second round of emails. So please tell me why he's trying again? Am I really so hard to communicate with? Have I become his "fallback" for when nobody else seems interested?

(On a "maybe I'm a little sensitive" note: he signs his email "Love, Cliff". Um, excuse me? Seriously, I still haven't met you in person, I don't know you that well. You don't love me.)

And, oh, yikes, I just noticed this: he spelled my name wrong. Folks, it's not that hard. Really should be easy for anyone in the LDS church, or anyone into cooking with herbs. (obviously doesn't love me if he doesn't care to look back to prior emails to see how to spell my name)

brief update

You may have been wondering if I'm hiding something, or ignoring the singles scene, or what. For a while there, I couldn't access the singles site from work, and since my boys dominate the computer at home, which in any case is not my favorite thing (the computer itself is great, the connection is very reliable, but the monitor is a dinosaur and the seating/desk is less than ideal), that meant that I opted to ignore it rather than go out of my way just to see who "kawasaki" is. But that's fixed now, so no more excuses.
"kawasaki" has indeed been persistently sending flirts and messages anyway, but alas, his profile, while otherwise not objectionable in any way that matters, states that he "seldom attends church". This may be an over site on his part, but then again, it might not.
Do I need to be more specific in my own profile? I truly have no interest in a man who doesn't have a testimony and a driving need to be a part of this church. Is it not sufficient that I mention my own conviction/commitment? Do I have to spell it out in order to stop receiving attention from the less than committed? hmm. If the less-than's can't see what I mean without my spelling it out, maybe they are also a bit dim otherwise as well, and best ignored?

forgot to mention

bonappetit/Mr Persistent sent me the cute little "hug" flirt last week.

Umm, excuse me, but we haven't met, we haven't yet arranged to meet, we've only emailed 2-3 times so far. In other words, I don't know you, sir, so why would you think it was okay to "hug" me?

updates (such as they are)

still no dates...but here is what's been happening:

"bonappetit" (aka Mr Persistent) finally answered my email, a month later. whatever! my reply to that was less than enthusiastic (can you blame me?). He asked for my phone number so that we could arrange a date. Am I the only single gal out there following the rules? "do not give out your personal number. Always call from a pay phone or a phone with Caller ID blocking until there is absolute trust" (quoted from LDSSingles online dating safety guide). So, no, he can't have my number. Sure, I'm a big girl, I could make my own decisions on that front, I don't have to follow all the rules. Thing is, I don't want a bunch of guys I haven't met having my phone number. I've watched other single friends deal with unwanted attention from guys they thought were okay until they actually met them. No thanks. If he really wants to date me, we'll just have to agree to meet somewhere. If he doesn't care for that option, fine. (am I picky or what?)
(Remember, he's old enough to be my dad, if only barely, so I'm not over-excited about going out with him anyway.)

"ERL", the one whose profile said he "frequently" attended church, made a nice reply to my question about why that would be, if he planned a temple marriage. He said he didn't realize it said that, since he rarely looks at his own profile. But he didn't seem to want to continue any conversation beyond that. However, he is closer to my age, and he has the 3E's, so I may pursue that later, after the 4th (remember, I host the big family BBQ - tons to do), when I have a minute to think again.

There have been a few other flirts and messages, but nothing else really interesting. Of course, if anything else develops, I'll post it here, I promise.

why is he looking...again?

David (yes, that David) has been looking at my profile recently. I don't know exactly when, but I'm guessing just in the last couple of days.

If he's "dating someone else", what is he doing looking at my profile?

If whoever she was didn't work out, and he's thinking of asking me out again, why not just send a message?

Instead, it's like he's spying on me.

David cancelled

says he wants to see how another of his online relationships works out

back to square one

will I ever get a date?

again with the young ones

Does a 34-yr-old really want to date me? Did he think that through? Again, I ask you, what is with all these young guys flirting with me?
And incidentally, how does someone manage to have 6 kids by that age? And why would I be interested in knowing he has "nice lips"? There is a picture, so why emphasize that point in print?

Maybe my pics distract them from my age. I'm just so cute, they can't help themselves.

everybody's a comedian

A 50-something guy, whose profile starts with "hi, future Mrs J" sends me the following message (presumably after viewing my photo album, which includes a picture of me from Halloween) with the subject line "Mama Mia"

"Hi bookette, Take a chance on me! (winking smiley face icon)"

ha ha.

(by the way, thanks to my book club buddy Chelle for my online name. I hope you don't mind that I stole that from you, because I think it's really cute)

all the young dudes

now all the younger guys are sending me flirts. does a 33 yr-old really want to date me? although, with his hair loss, he could be lying. rejection isn't fun, but all the boys and old men flirting is just a tad unsettling. seems the guys my age may not be interested. all the ones I've sent flirts to, they don't respond. am I too old? or just not a skinny blond? or does my level of education intimidate them?

well, isn't that nice?

BG12 is actually single now. wahoo. bring on the band.

why would I care? he'll always be "married guy" to me.

really, I do sympathize. but it's still wrong to go looking when you're married.

I'm going to have to answer him sometime. I can't just not say anything. But it's going to take me some time to find the words to tell him what I think without being overly rude.

a little more info

I just thought I'd add this little tidbit about BG12 (the married guy). Have you seen the movie Groundhog Day? You know the annoying camera man that works with with Bill Murray? Yeah, that's basically what this guy looks like. (I should really look up the actors name, but would anyone know who I was talking about without the movie reference?)
Not that I'm trying to sway your opinion about him.
But I'm not going to be able to look at his profile again without thinking about that scene where he steps up for the bachelor auction and the old lady "buys" him for two bits.

married guy doesn't get it

Got a message from BG12 again. You know, the one that "had to be honest" and told me he's not yet divorced (ie: still married). He tells me that "the planets are finally aligning" and he'll be "a free man before April begins" (gee, that's not exactly next week, is it?). Well, bully for him. And I would be interested because...?
I know it's shallow of me (not), but I don't want to have anything to do with a guy that actively sought out the next girlfriend/wife while still married. No matter how good the excuse. Especially as he purports to be a member in good standing of the LDS church.
He wants to know if my offer to introduce him to other singles is still good. Um, just which of my single friends would you like to meet that thinks it's okay that you were still married when you signed up on a singles site, just 3 months after your wife left? And you're okay with the morals of said friend?
So, tell me, am I being too hard on this one? I feel okay with my own decision not to ever date him, even when he is actually divorced. Question is, am I going too far in not wanting to introduce him to someone else who may not care, as he didn't try to flirt with them while he was married?

post-Valentines update

okay, Valentines weekend. big dance sponsered by my cluster. I built a balloon arch - looked fantastic (wish I'd taken a picture). I think that may have been the highlight of my evening...

logged in to the singles site Monday morning, and, you won't believe it, nothing new. no new flirts, no messages. you mean nobody was sitting at home logged in, hoping for someone to chat with? or searching for "the one"? well, duh. but it still stung.

then, finally, just after 2pm Monday, I got a flirt. from a high-school dropout whose occupation states "I'll tell you later". He's kinda cute, but he lives in Kooskia ID (where? that sounds made up), and though he states he attends church regularly, his temple status is blank. so, let's see, which of the 3 E's did he manage here? oh, wait, none.

see, this is why I never did this before. At first it was kind of fun, seeing who looked at my profile, who flirted with me. but the down side is, after a while, it tapers off. I'm not the new hot babe anymore, I'm old news. or they found my blog and they don't want me making fun of them for the world to see.

go away already!

king22 keeps flirting with me. I guess ignoring him isn't going to work. he's 48, no picture, works in agriculture, high school diploma, occasionally attends church, no temple status. uh huh, sure, all the girls want some of that. NOT. (okay, at least he's employed)

I don't know who he is, but I wish he'd take the hint and leave me alone. here's his flirt history:
Feb 9, blew kiss (what? I don't even know you!) Feb 10, smiled (dude, already ignored you) Feb 12 sent flaming "you're hot" (desperate for a Valentines date?) At this point, I message him and tell him I'm not interested in "occasionally attends church" types. big mistake, as he seems to see this as positive attention, blows a kiss, smiles again. I finally find the "no thanks" flirt option.

only later do I think of the perfect response to "you're hot". "um, yeah, knew that already. I get that from regular church attendance, oh ye of no picture"

the persistence makes me wonder if he knows me, (I do have pictures up, after all) and he's just trying to be funny.

they're all bad

So BG12, the one who shares too much, who’s wife left him for a woman? He’s still married.

Whatever. His response to my invite to the dance Saturday: “I’ve got to be honest with you” and then he launches into why he’s not divorced yet.
I was going to be rude about it, but I just told him that yes, all divorces must be final before you can attend LDS singles events, and I commiserated with him about that limbo stage when you know you’re divorcing, and you’ve done everything you can, but you have to wait for the other person to get their stuff done. So I was nice. But this just reinforces my opinion of all the single guys my age. And really, until he’s gone through some therapy, he’s not ready to date. He thinks he is, but all it is, is lonely. Not the same at all.

he doesn't know it yet, but he just lost any chance he had to date me. you're either married or you're not, there is no in between. I get it, I know how he feels, I hated limbo, too. I know he thinks there is no way he'll be patching up the marriage (she did join the other team, after all), and I'm sure that's part of his justification for signing up on a singles site when he's NOT SINGLE. sorry, doesn't fly with me. I had a chance to date 2 guys I really really liked right after my 1st hubby left. I mean, I wanted to date these guys. one of them, I already had this huge crush on him (hey, married isn't dead, you still notice, you just don't pursue), and he was so seriously adorable. he asked me to lunch right when I told him I was separated. and even he realized that was probably not right. looked awkward and said, oh, wait, that's probably not kosher. not until you're divorced. as much as I wanted to date this guy, I couldn't do that. Married is married. I knew it was just a matter of time, there was no question of taking back the abandon-er, but I wasn't single. therefore, no dating.
sadly, by the time the divorce was final, I'd lost touch with both of these guys. I still think I was right not to date until I was single. I paid the price, sure, but I didn't loose my self respect.

things are starting to pick up

suddenly, I feel popular. I've sent some flirts, and I'm starting to get responses.
and another message. BG12 doesn't have a picture up, but he has the 3E's, he's the right age, and he's here in the valley. poor thing, his wife left him for a woman. I invited him to the dance Saturday (hey, I'm on the committee, I have to at least set up/decorate and clean up after. this doesn't mean I am looking forward to it). still waiting on his response, and a photo.
side note: he needs a lesson in safe dating. he shared a bit too much, and he really should not have signed his whole name to his message. I could be anyone. I could be a total psycho. and now I know his name, the city he lives in, I could totally stalk him. lucky for him I'm not psycho.

sent out a few profile comments to some "suggested matches". here's hoping!

(still no response from Hawaii boy. but I notice he hasn't signed in since January something. at least he's not ignoring me, right?)