I was rather shallow in my youth. One wonders if that might be the difference? Maybe I can't/don't flirt so much now because I don't want to be disingenuous?
I can honestly say I care so much more now about how others actually feel. Even if lately/sometimes my actions don't back that up.
Even in my youth, I never meant to be hurtful or mean, though. I wasn't one of those girls that put others down just so they could feel good, or befriended someone solely for advantage. I knew some of those girls, and I know that wasn't me. But I did sometimes toy with feelings, flirt too much, get close to a guy when maybe I didn't feel that much for him. I did do that. Though in my defense, at the time, I don't think I knew just how awful that might have been for the guy.
To III (you know who you are), I apologize, with my whole heart. You were/are worth so much more than that.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
what happened?
I've been thinking a lot lately about dating, and why it's harder now than it was when I was young. I'm sure there are many factors. One of the main things I've been pondering lately, though, is "what happened to me?"
See, even in grade school, I was totally boy crazy. But now, well, it's not that I can't appreciate a nice butt, a cute face, a devastating smile. I can. Really. I'm pretty sure, anyway.
It's like I've lost the will to flirt. Or to be attractive.
I'm not talking about looking dumpy, or skipping basic hygiene. I do still shower every day and get dressed for work in what I think are nice clothes. Most days I manage make-up, too. (sorry, all ye who never go without - but sometimes I don't bother) I'm not as thin as I was in my youth, but who is? I still have a nicely proportioned figure, I think (please, don't tell me if I'm wrong, unless you are my bestest friend and can manage to make it sound helpful). I sometimes even get that "look" from a guy. No, really, sometimes I do. He's usually too young or too old (I'm talking extremes here - like a college kid, or old-enough-to-be-my-dad).
Did you ever hear that little story about Marilyn Monroe? The one about how one day she was with a friend, walking down the street, dressed normally, not even trying to hide behind dark glasses, but nobody seemed to realize it was her? And then she whispers to her friend "want to see me be me?" Her friend is all "what?" And then Marilyn turns it on. Whatever "it" is, people start to recognize her. Within seconds, she's totally mobbed.
What did she do? No clue. But I think we all have a little something we do to shine a little brighter, to draw attention to ourselves in subtle ways. When we want to.
I guess what I'm saying is, I think I forgot how to do that. Whatever it was I used to do. I'm not sure I know how to flirt, or make myself desirable, or even how to appear approachable. Or make others feel like they are attractive and desirable.
Worse, the question that lingers in the dark corners of my mind, taunting me: did I ever actually have "it"? was I ever "that" for anyone, really?
See, even in grade school, I was totally boy crazy. But now, well, it's not that I can't appreciate a nice butt, a cute face, a devastating smile. I can. Really. I'm pretty sure, anyway.
It's like I've lost the will to flirt. Or to be attractive.
I'm not talking about looking dumpy, or skipping basic hygiene. I do still shower every day and get dressed for work in what I think are nice clothes. Most days I manage make-up, too. (sorry, all ye who never go without - but sometimes I don't bother) I'm not as thin as I was in my youth, but who is? I still have a nicely proportioned figure, I think (please, don't tell me if I'm wrong, unless you are my bestest friend and can manage to make it sound helpful). I sometimes even get that "look" from a guy. No, really, sometimes I do. He's usually too young or too old (I'm talking extremes here - like a college kid, or old-enough-to-be-my-dad).
Did you ever hear that little story about Marilyn Monroe? The one about how one day she was with a friend, walking down the street, dressed normally, not even trying to hide behind dark glasses, but nobody seemed to realize it was her? And then she whispers to her friend "want to see me be me?" Her friend is all "what?" And then Marilyn turns it on. Whatever "it" is, people start to recognize her. Within seconds, she's totally mobbed.
What did she do? No clue. But I think we all have a little something we do to shine a little brighter, to draw attention to ourselves in subtle ways. When we want to.
I guess what I'm saying is, I think I forgot how to do that. Whatever it was I used to do. I'm not sure I know how to flirt, or make myself desirable, or even how to appear approachable. Or make others feel like they are attractive and desirable.
Worse, the question that lingers in the dark corners of my mind, taunting me: did I ever actually have "it"? was I ever "that" for anyone, really?
Monday, October 19, 2009
how can I resist?
THIS just sent me a flirt. yeah. I know. Hold yourself back, ladies, don't all rush to be the first to date this one.
Monday, September 21, 2009
you can't always get what you want...
No reply from dad2six.
But 3, count 'em, THREE messages from kawasaki. (Who, I now notice, has spelling issues...)
And, on top of that, he sends me the "sends you flowers" flirt.
I am bummed.
Isn't that always the way, though? The ones you like aren't always the ones you actually end up getting any attention from.
But 3, count 'em, THREE messages from kawasaki. (Who, I now notice, has spelling issues...)
And, on top of that, he sends me the "sends you flowers" flirt.
I am bummed.
Isn't that always the way, though? The ones you like aren't always the ones you actually end up getting any attention from.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
here's someone I would like to meet:
39 years old
5' 9" (175 cm) tall
Average
Dark Brown Hair
Brown Eyes
Divorced
Occupation: Restaurant/Food Service
Some college
6 Children/ 0 at home
Mission: Switzerland
Regularly Attends Church
Temple Worthy
Greeting from dad2six:
I feel my membership on here is something akin to saying: "I'm LDS. I'm Single. I will date, if I can find one. I guess." Said in my best Red Green voice of course. (Bonus points if you know who Red Green is. And Mega Bonus points if you have ever watched.) I DO know who Red Green is, AND I watch the show!
Speaking of voices. I do plenty. My kids are always asking me to do Donald Duck, Goofy, Mickey Mouse, the Swedish Chef, or some accent or another. I used to do Donald Duck in grade school - I never thought I'd meet anyone else who could do that!
I'm firmly planted in gospel soil. My testimony of the Savior and His Gospel is the foundation of all that I do. YES, finally!
will he be interested in me? (and yes, he's serously cute)
(my comments are in green and blue)
5' 9" (175 cm) tall
Average
Dark Brown Hair
Brown Eyes
Divorced
Occupation: Restaurant/Food Service
Some college
6 Children/ 0 at home
Mission: Switzerland
Regularly Attends Church
Temple Worthy
Greeting from dad2six:
I feel my membership on here is something akin to saying: "I'm LDS. I'm Single. I will date, if I can find one. I guess." Said in my best Red Green voice of course. (Bonus points if you know who Red Green is. And Mega Bonus points if you have ever watched.) I DO know who Red Green is, AND I watch the show!
Speaking of voices. I do plenty. My kids are always asking me to do Donald Duck, Goofy, Mickey Mouse, the Swedish Chef, or some accent or another. I used to do Donald Duck in grade school - I never thought I'd meet anyone else who could do that!
I'm firmly planted in gospel soil. My testimony of the Savior and His Gospel is the foundation of all that I do. YES, finally!
will he be interested in me? (and yes, he's serously cute)
(my comments are in green and blue)
...and bonappetit is back
He never did commit to a date with me in the first or second round of emails. So please tell me why he's trying again? Am I really so hard to communicate with? Have I become his "fallback" for when nobody else seems interested?
(On a "maybe I'm a little sensitive" note: he signs his email "Love, Cliff". Um, excuse me? Seriously, I still haven't met you in person, I don't know you that well. You don't love me.)
And, oh, yikes, I just noticed this: he spelled my name wrong. Folks, it's not that hard. Really should be easy for anyone in the LDS church, or anyone into cooking with herbs. (obviously doesn't love me if he doesn't care to look back to prior emails to see how to spell my name)
(On a "maybe I'm a little sensitive" note: he signs his email "Love, Cliff". Um, excuse me? Seriously, I still haven't met you in person, I don't know you that well. You don't love me.)
And, oh, yikes, I just noticed this: he spelled my name wrong. Folks, it's not that hard. Really should be easy for anyone in the LDS church, or anyone into cooking with herbs. (obviously doesn't love me if he doesn't care to look back to prior emails to see how to spell my name)
Kawasaki doesn't know why he's drawn to me...
but, he says now that he's settled again, (those of us who have been divorced know about that period, looking for a new normal, feeling awkward no matter what) he's starting to attend church again. (Just to clarify, I didn't ever stop going to church during either divorce. I went back to my parents ward for a while, partly because I did feel awkward about showing up in my ward without my husband (the 1st one), wondering what others might think, and partly because I had reliable help for juggling nursing twins through the 3 long hours of church. Most of which time, I think I mainly caught opening and closing prayers of all the meetings in between visits to the nursing mothers lounge. But I was there. More to the point, my testimony did not waiver during that time, it grew quite a bit. This gospel was one of the solid things that kept me sane through both divorces.)
He really does seem like a nice enough guy. My office-mate (a happily married woman) says I should give him a chance.
The thing is, I've been the one "leaned on" for spiritual support when my significant other was uncertain, and I don't like it. I cannot be someones' reason for joining, reactivating, or otherwise getting religion. It tends not to stick if you don't do it for yourself. I don't mind being there to remind him he does have a testimony, and he does love the gospel, in those moments of doubt that sometimes push their way in. But I refuse to be his reason for seeking for the truth. If he hasn't felt the need to seek for it before now (he's 40), something is missing.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, his screen name does indicate a fondness for motorcycles. He's an ex-marine, currently working in real estate. (doesn't sound like a regular income, steady job type of guy...)
He really does seem like a nice enough guy. My office-mate (a happily married woman) says I should give him a chance.
The thing is, I've been the one "leaned on" for spiritual support when my significant other was uncertain, and I don't like it. I cannot be someones' reason for joining, reactivating, or otherwise getting religion. It tends not to stick if you don't do it for yourself. I don't mind being there to remind him he does have a testimony, and he does love the gospel, in those moments of doubt that sometimes push their way in. But I refuse to be his reason for seeking for the truth. If he hasn't felt the need to seek for it before now (he's 40), something is missing.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes, his screen name does indicate a fondness for motorcycles. He's an ex-marine, currently working in real estate. (doesn't sound like a regular income, steady job type of guy...)
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