spineless?

The guy in South Jordan still hasn't asked me out. He sends me this message last week that begins "Oh nameless one" (I forget they don't already know), and so I answer back starting with "He who has not asked me out yet" and ending with, yes, my name, followed by "which isn't as common as some, which makes me easier to track down, and thus more vulnerable". (Hey, you have to be careful, and just how many other girls do you think have my name? Look it up sometime - we're like an exclusive club or something.)

Two messages later, he STILL hasn't asked me out. He just dances around the subject, says he has the kids all the time, etc. I've threatened to refer to him as "spineless one" until he does.

meet me by my locker...

and I'll tell you all about it! (I feel like high school all over again: "so, what's he like?" and all that)

I know, there isn't much more to tell until next week. Except...he just sent me the little flirt that says "sent you a big hug" (with this cute cartoon of a couple hugging).

If he isn't really this cute/fun/nice in person, I will be so crushed.

what to wear?

Last night, it hits me: I've got no clue what I'll wear on my date. And I started to panic. I'm not sure I know how to dress for a date anymore. My last date was a lunch, on a working day, so I was in a suit. Maybe a little dressier than an ordinary work day, but I didn't go to a lot of trouble. Plus, I'd already met that guy, spent time with him at a couple of dances, so he'd seen me in a few different outfits, casual to dressy (he, on the other hand, never mind the event, was in jeans every time).
But I'm nervous about this one. This is the big "first impression" here. I want that first look to be memorable, in a good way. Or, at least, not disappointing. And this weather isn't helping. If it's cold and blowing and snowy next Friday, wearing a pastel floral skirt (because I have seriously nice legs) won't quite work. But in any case, would a skirt be too much? I mean, I'll be coming from work anyway, and he knows that. This is not something I'll have oodles of time to get ready for, because that's how my schedule is right now. I'm thinking a suit would be excusable, since I am coming directly from work, but will that make me look unapproachable?

I can't even think which outfits I look best in. My mind goes all scrambled thinking about it.

again with the young ones

Does a 34-yr-old really want to date me? Did he think that through? Again, I ask you, what is with all these young guys flirting with me?
And incidentally, how does someone manage to have 6 kids by that age? And why would I be interested in knowing he has "nice lips"? There is a picture, so why emphasize that point in print?

Maybe my pics distract them from my age. I'm just so cute, they can't help themselves.

carrot-cake temptress

Nope, David is not put off by my non-dating record, or by my (as he puts it) candor. (at least, that's what he says. I'm trying to take that on face value)

So, unless it turns out he was merely tempted by the idea of tasting my carrot cake (allow me to digress here: "just how good is my carrot cake? is it 2nd date good? absolutely. Is it invite-me-to-visit good?" and that's where I lost my courage. Funny is one thing, but that's going a bit far for someone I've yet to meet. Even if it IS that good), my theory holds true. You really have to just be honest, and let what happens, happen. I don't want someone who likes some "idea" of me, instead of the actual me.

nice save

David's answer to my restaurant suggestion starts: Amy!
I tell myself he's not trying to make a point (about how many girls he's dating) but that it's just a typo of some kind. All the same, I don't answer that right away.

Monday, I find his apology, dated mega-late Saturday evening. I'm a little busy with work, and shouldn't have even been reading the messages, so I didn't answer right away.

I get another message Monday evening, apologizing again (and talking about his weekend with his son). Then I felt bad for letting him think I might be mad. Which I wasn't (just busy). I let him know I wasn't upset by it. I suppose I could have been, if I had some delusional idea that I was his girlfriend. But, that's just not the case.
Good for him apologizing without waiting for me to say something.

this is me

I finally give David the whole spiel. What my "dating" has consisted of over the past 8 years, my 3E's, all of it. I may have gotten a little defensive, but I tried to soften that with humor. And I told him that I'd had to think about how to answer him, how honest to be about it, how to make it sound less pathetic, etc. Basically, I put it all out there. (and thank you, girls, especially Marcy(love the way you put it), for your comments - you made me feel much better)
My office buddy says I'm out to sabotage myself, telling him all that stuff. A valid argument, but still, I feel he deserves the truth.
I end the thing by saying that I'm off home to bake a carrot cake and un-depress myself with my favorite movie. Adding "aren't I clever to work that in there (meaning the carrot cake), tempting you to meet me anyway, if only in the hope of someday finding out just how good my carrot cake is". Because he said earlier that he likes carrot cake.
(nope, doesn't sound any less lame reading that over again)
Maybe some part of me wants me to stay single? Whatever it is, this is me.

date details

Unless he cancels, I'll be meeting David that Friday, Apr 3, at Archibalds for dinner.
I'm thinking I may want to ask a friend to be there, just in case. (not me being paranoid, it's another online dating safety rule - first dates shouldn't be just the two of you)
I don't know that I want someone sitting right there with us, just nearby, in case I need to get out of there quick.

I sound like a loser

David wants to know how long I've been "out there" and why I'm on LDS Singles.
I've been dreading the question, because my answer makes me look pathetic. I'm trying to think of a way to phrase it that doesn't make me sound like a loser.
You guys know me, you know I'm not that. But it's a fair question. I have been single again almost 8 years (I wouldn't remember how long, except it was right after 9-11) and it's only in the last couple of months that I've really tried to put myself out there.
I know why he's asking. He wanted to be sure I knew he was dating others, so much so that he told me twice. I was feeling a little low when I answered the second email (which was also a reply to me after I told him why I wouldn't give him my phone number just yet), and while I tried to come off sounding confident, I don't think it worked. I don't mind he's dating others - in fact, I really think that's a good thing. I'm not up for a boyfriend just yet, and I don't want to be confined to dating just one person, thank you very much. But I don't have much choice. I won't ask a guy out (like I've told my kids, if he can't even muster up the courage to do that, he will never last in my world), so all I can do is turn down the ones that I'd rather not get to know (and bravely send flirts or messages, hoping they might respond - online equivalent of introducing myself). I have turned down dates recently, which at least means I've been asked, but I can't say as I'm dating anyone else.
All of which makes sense to me, but still looks pathetic. Possibly leading to this line of thinking on his part: If nobody else is asking me out, maybe there's a good reason for that, so maybe he's wrong in thinking he wants to get to know me. (My confident self says: maybe, but after he meets you, he won't think that. To which my lower self says: that's a nice thought, but it doesn't mean much if he cancels)
It's that whole keeping up with the Jones thing, but for dating. I'm desirable to more guys if they think a lot of guys find me desirable.
So, even though it's the truth, admitting to him that I've been online since mid-January and he's the first to actually ask me out (though not the first flirt or first sign of interest) does not appeal to me. Because nobody wants to be that first post-relationship date, even if it is 8 years later.
(point of fact: I have been out with 2 other guys since the divorce. one of them over a year ago, the other over a year before that. so technically he's not the first, but he might as well be)
And if I think I sound like a loser, what's he going to think? And if he's not put off by the truth, does that mean he preys on pathetic girls, or that he's willing to meet me himself and see if maybe all the guys I've met so far are just idiots? Or will he simply keep the date because he feels that's the honorable thing, while wondering if I'm one of those really picky girls (which I sometimes think I am).
Bottom line: I truly believe you have to put it all out there, pretty or not, and let them decide. You can't decide for them, and you have to do your best to make sure they can make an informed decision. You don't want a boyfriend who feels like you tricked him into liking you.

I feel so popular

As of today, I've had 200 people view my profile!

(it seemed appropriate to celebrate this milestone)

he's seriously hilarious

About a month ago, I sent this guy in South Jordan a flirt. nothing back from him until about a week ago, and I let that sit there for a while before I answered him. He'd made this comment that I had a lot a of hobbies, so how did I ever find time to do housework. I get that a lot. The answer is: housework? what's that? hey, how do you like my new skirt? and isn't this amigurumi monkey adorable?
So I finally answer back, and I'm in a mood (tax season stress must be getting to me) so I go on about my best housekeeping tips, yada yada, ending with how I'm really good at ignoring all of it, too, and doing something I enjoy instead. Not exactly a short email. And possibly making him wish he'd never answered my flirt in the first place.
But, no. Last night, he replies with his own email novel, which is seriously hilarious. He tells me about his vacuum repairs gone wrong, and how he just lets the dishes pile up, because anything a single dad does, no matter how little, is heroic.
I might just have to meet this one.

not a pet person

I just noticed, while looking at David's profile again, he's not a pet person, either!
Some of you may think that's a bad thing, but that's not the way I see it. I used to feel bad that I didn't want pets. (someone actually told me that meant I'd be a bad mother) I grew up with cats, a small dog, various bunnies and birds, fish, etc. But none of them were mine (eight of us kids, most of us had a pet). I like other peoples pets just fine. I can appreciate a purring a kitty, a well-behaved dog, a nice game of fetch. I just don't want any myself.
Here's why that's a good thing:
In "The Road Less Traveled" they talk about different ways of loving, including what they define as mature love. When you love someone that way, you want them to grow and learn, become their best self. You don't want to "take care of them" or "baby" them, and you don't nag or control, either. You encourage, you help them to improve. The goal being that the child will eventually become an adult and take care of themselves, or that your partner or friend will reach their full potential. It gave an example of the opposite, someone that adored his little dogs, but never seemed to lavish the same attention on his wife or kids. He seemed only to be annoyed with his family members for not being able to be what he thought they should be. The therapist suggested that he wanted his family to all behave like his dogs - come when he called, do their cute tricks, adore him as their master, etc. (I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the idea.)
That's when I had the "aha" moment. I don't love that way. I do want people (and plants, if you note my track record with indoor vs outdoor) to be independent, take care of themselves, reach their full potential. I'm happy to assist and encourage, but I won't do it all for you, because that's how you grow. I love babies, but I never wanted my boys to stay little. A dog will never feed itself, bathe itself, or walk itself. It's like having a baby forever, except you can train it to use the flower beds and "stay" or "sit". The closest you'll get to independent in a pet, is a cat (which may explain the difference between cat people and dog people).

everybody's a comedian

A 50-something guy, whose profile starts with "hi, future Mrs J" sends me the following message (presumably after viewing my photo album, which includes a picture of me from Halloween) with the subject line "Mama Mia"

"Hi bookette, Take a chance on me! (winking smiley face icon)"

ha ha.

(by the way, thanks to my book club buddy Chelle for my online name. I hope you don't mind that I stole that from you, because I think it's really cute)

could he be any nicer?

David asked for my phone number.
It's weird, because right after I accepted the date, I was thinking about that, and trying to decide if I was okay with giving my number to someone I've never met (look it up - it's one of the no-no's for safe online dating). I'd decided I wasn't comfortable with that just yet (I don't want to have to change my number if he turns out to be a psycho), but at the same time, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it (he does seem like a really nice guy). Next thing I know, there's this message asking me if it's okay if he calls me, and he gives me his number.
He sent that last night, and I've just let it sit there. I've been thinking about it all day. I figured out how to make my cell not show my number on caller ID and tested that out calling a friend. It seems to work. I saved his number in my cell. I didn't call. I didn't reply to his message. I started to worry he'd get offended that I didn't even reply to him, but I didn't know what to say yet. (I know, I know, I'm over analyzing)
I replied to a different message from another guy instead (fill you in later). While I was doing that, I get another message from David. He doesn't ask me why I haven't replied, he doesn't even mention it. He just sends this cute message asking me how I'm doing, says he's thinking about seeing a movie tonight (already saw "Not Into You"), just kind of chatty, and then says "I love hearing from you...you write great emails."
So he's either the nicest guy on the planet, or he's had a lot of practice pretending he is.

thanks for that

I was giving some of my friends a little peak at some of the guys that have looked at my profile, flirted, or sent messages to me, because some of these, you just have to see to believe.
There's one who says he's 40 something, but he looks 60 something, whom I've already said "no thanks" to, but I wanted to show the girls his picture, because his photo looks like a Hollywood headshot from the '50's (black and white photo, looks like he's leaning on a bar, all that's missing is the cigarette and/or drink in hand), and he looks sort of like Sean Penn, but also like my alcoholic grandfather just a few years before he finally drank himself to death. No way is "leatherface" (not his online name, but how I think of him) really in his 40's, because if he is, I'm wondering just how much time he spent at sea, and how long was he an alcoholic? I'm showing his picture to the girls, and one of them clicks to see his profile. I know he'll be able to see that I've been looking, and I'm sure he'll think I'm interested, which I'm really not, so I start to freak out.
Sure enough, minutes later, I get the "sends you flowers" flirt from him.
It's just a laugh a minute.

I said "yes"

I emailed him back, said I'd meet him.
We'll have to get back to details later, as to the place and time, etc. (no question, I'll follow all the safe dating rules we all know so well - public place, drive your own car, let someone else know where you'll be, take your cell phone, etc.)

you know how you think that making a decision is the hard part, that you'll feel better once you've decided what to do? whatever. I'm more nervous now than I was all weekend thinking about it.

but I did finally tell him my name. I know that sounds bad, that I hadn't shared that info yet, after so much conversation back and forth in emails. I kind of forgot that I hadn't told him. and yet, he still asked to meet me.

a date?

David, the really nice guy, the lawyer in WA I've been corresponding with, will be in SLC for conference weekend. He wants to meet me.
I have a perfectly good excuse not to. I always work April Conference weekend, because it's so close to the tax deadline. We all come in to the office and listen to it online while we work. But of course I don't work all day. And there's Sunday as well, though that doesn't feel right to me - a date on a Sunday. I try to keep that day just for family, you know?
I haven't answered him back yet.
Talk me into it. Please. Because this? totally scares me.

a (small) confession

I've been messaging someone. He seems genuinely nice, and he's not bad looking. I don't know that it will go anywhere...he's not local. but I shouldn't just post the bad/funny experiences here, so I thought I'd better 'fess up.
He's 48, a lawyer (family law) and lives in Washington state. He has the 3E's, so nothing to complain about there. How to describe him? He seriously just looks like an ordinary likable guy. not GQ good-looking, but not goofy, either. He's lost some hair, he's gained some weight - but that's normal in this age range. actually, he just looks like a lawyer, but also a nice guy. dark hair, hazel eyes. (did someone tell the singles site I am a sucker for that combo? because it seems like all the guys that they "suggest" and most that flirt or message me, too, are some sort of dark hair, lighter eyes combo. it's weird)
so we've been back and forth with messages, 3, maybe 4 times? I'm sure nothing will come of it. I don't really want to relocate just to be with someone, though of course I would, for the right guy. I wonder just how we would meet for the first time in person, though. I don't want to be one of those gals that flies all over the country to meet that guy they met online, you know? It just seems so desperate, somehow.

all the young dudes

now all the younger guys are sending me flirts. does a 33 yr-old really want to date me? although, with his hair loss, he could be lying. rejection isn't fun, but all the boys and old men flirting is just a tad unsettling. seems the guys my age may not be interested. all the ones I've sent flirts to, they don't respond. am I too old? or just not a skinny blond? or does my level of education intimidate them?